Solitary & private even in the midst of the crowds (16th April 2006)

Solitary & private, even in the midst of the crowds. I feel such pain, and lead such a double life. Women are drawn to me, but then can find nothing behind the withdrawnness & the reticence, but a black vacuum which they run away from. Still, they remain fascinated, and usually are drawn back again. This is Chelsea v Vicenza day when I actually came in my pants while watching that huge-breasted blonde girl in the red wig at Sunset Strip. It is also The Damnation of Faust day. I am relying on the Flying Scotsman more than ever as my life support because I cannot travel anymore. I am missing the highs of Berlin & Vienna & Brussels, and am stuck in London. I have to keep going to the Scotsman to fill that gap. 

“Very few people find their real instincts. Every now and then there’s an artist who does and who makes something new and actually thickens the texture of life. But it’s very rare…You have to be able to be really free to find yourself in that way, without any moral or religious constraints. After all, life is nothing but a series of sensations, so one may as well try and make oneself extraordinary, extraordinary and brilliant, even if it means becoming a brilliant fool like me and having the kind of disastrous life that I have had. That is it.” Francis Bacon, Francis Bacon: Anatomy Of An Enigma, Michael Peppiatt, 1996. 

“It’s only by going too far that you can hope to break the mould and do something new. Art is a question of going too far. Images can shatter the old order leaving nothing the same as before. The more artificial you can make it, the greater chance you’ve got it’s looking real.” Francis Bacon, The Brutality of Fact: Interviews with Francis Bacon, David Sylvester, 1987, Thames & Hudson. 

”Actually, I’m the most ordinary person possible. It’s just that I like throwing myself in the gutter. Every artist wants to throw himself into the gutter. It’s part of his life, it’s a necessity. You might say that I lead a gilded gutter life, I drift from bar to bar, from gambling place to gambling place, and when I don’t do those things, I go home and paint some pictures. I am completely amoral. If I hadn’t painted I would have been a criminal….I have always known life was absurd. Life is nothing but a series of sensations…….Life is so meaningless we might as well try to make ourselves extraordinary…I think of life as meaningless and yet it excites me. I always think that something marvellous is about to happen. How can I trap this transient thing? ” …Francis Bacon in conversations.