Do I feel good about myself now? No (31st May 2006)

Do I feel good about myself now? No. Average films in the cinema, not completely mediocre. No girls there except the old one upstairs who lets everyone f— her one after the other. Got nice and hard though and knew I was ready for Demi. She looked fantastic in black widow’s weeds. Amazingly she turned over without complaint and from feeling nothing, I immediately started to come. I must insist Pamela turns over for me too. A KFC and a couple of tuna baguettes from Charing Cross Station on the way home. Nothing or no one else exciting. I missed the real substance of a night at the opera. Something to engage my brain and spirit. I got to Calcutta about 8 and saw I had missed Kelly and Zoe. I left after one. A low key night all round. I miss Lemon Tree barmaid—I cannot get her off of my mind. ****************Demi is like a black-haired Irina, with a bit of Famke Janssen thrown in. As she lay on her front, she kept her hand underneath her, and I almost got the feeling she was getting some pleasure out of it (remember that is the room Kimi said she was going to come). She was certainly happy enough to turn over for me. I only slept for about 2 hours or so. I feel not hungover, not sleepy, just longing for someone to be with me. Someone to hold and cuddle and stroke. I suppose I will go back to the Calcutta a lot once the World Cup starts. There is no better place to watch football. ARIODANTE tonight I suppose. *************I remember Demi the first time complimenting me on my toenails & then touching my cock “And that’s VERY good—if you didn’t drink!” Now she turned over so readily and put her hand underneath herself as I f—– her from behind.

And still the never ending rain continues (26th May 2006)

And still the never ending rain continues. All the greenery looks lovely in the wet, and it is muggy, despite the coldness of the rain. Massive breasts petite little South American blonde ponytail in sky blue sweater on bus, and asymmetric black hair goth with black sphinx eyes. Thoroughly depressed otherwise. Bleak and sombre. I feel like Hart Crane or Ernest Dowson, the morning after another disastrous foray into the broken world. A bad gamble. The £40 I spent on Demi and Pamela two weeks ago which I felt so happy about contrasts well against the horrible £40 I spent in the Old Axe on private dances with M—– and S——. A woman in the corner at Calcutta watching me as I came in, the same one who I looked up and found watching me before, the time I was sitting at the table & Ursula came up to collect glasses smiling. I did not see her go. The beer was warm!

I can never seem to contemplate my approaching days off without thinking only of strippers (22nd May 2006)

I can never seem to contemplate my approaching days off without thinking only of strippers. I am addicted. They are my fix that I have to have every week. I suppose it is an improvement that I am now going just once a week, to Sunset Strip, rather than the three or four times a week as I was to the Scotsman. I make up the slack with Sunset Cinema and Pamela, however. The intensity of the last couple of weeks, Melani & Elektra & Sunset & Pamela on Wednesdays, followed by ENO and the Lemon Tree barmaid on Thursdays make it a very powerful drug, a very powerful fix, and means the addiction is getting worse. After such highs I keep needing at least the same highs, and then always more. So how can I just go home this week! Of course I will need Melani on Wednesday and of course I will need the Old Axe and White Horse on Friday and maybe even ENO as well.

You can’t ever expect normal people to understand you (21st May 2006)

You can’t ever expect normal people to understand you. Even if they read Autismus, Lotta & Sophia, or The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains, they would not understand you. An uneventful journey to work. Perhaps it would be fun to go to Sunset early on Thursday before 6 for Melani & Giselle, rather than Wednesday night, just for a change. Then I can hang around just to see Caroline after 6. Maybe I should go back to The Makropolos Case Wednesday night?

I have got to pull myself together. But when have I ever been any different? (19th May 2006)

I have got to pull myself together. But when have I ever been any different? I go from one addictive behaviour to another. If I don't go to Black Hole of Calcutta, I go to Sunset and Sunset Cinema and Pamela; if I don’t do that I go to the ENO and ogle The Lemon Tree barmaids in the intervals. All my life has been lost to the grip of addictive & obsessive behaviour. Because I am lost. I need a secure, loving relationship with a partner. Who are the current contenders? Melani or Pamela. I love it when I am at my lowest, because then I can write most bleakly & most starkly. Then I can write in blood, in cold, stoveless rooms with blue hands. There is so much pain inside me. That sounds melodramatic but I do not know what else to say. I am a vessel brimming over with pain. I long to be able to talk to my mother. I long for Melani or Pamela. If I died tomorrow my mother would not know the first thing about me. I record the pain of my life. I record the loneliness of my life*******Oh, but I have such soft feelings for Melani. ************ Who are the women in my life now? Melani, the Lemon Tree barmaid, the bus stop girl, Pamela, Demi. ************ Like it or not, my relationships with whores are the most important of my life: Lydia, Iga, Riccarda, Viktoriya, Diana, Ana Maria, Lela, Pamela --- all had a massive impact on my life (and all had a's at the end of their name). Not to mention the dancers, --, Anya, Sylvia. It's only when you go too far, you suddenly find yourself on a cliff, teetering over a precipice, like the Justice Palace in Brussels. Wasn't the time I spent with Pamela worth every minute? As was all the time I spent with Ana, and Lela, and Iga & Riccarda & Diana & Viktoriya & Irina. That debt figure of 5,000 has a whole lot of pleasure & joy in it. ************ All this money I have spent in the past 2 weeks was absolutely vital. It could not have been otherwise. I had to see Melani both times, I had to go to 20 minutes with Pamela, and then to 30 minutes. I had to go to La Belle Helene and The Makropulos Case. So what am I to reproach myself for? I had to go with Demi. I had to go to The Lemon Tree. It was obsessive, but I enjoyed all of it. All of it was intense. The debt I am running and pushing is absolutely essential money well spent. As I always say, I could be struck by lightning tomorrow, and what use to me if I tightened my belt and lived like a monk for a year just to owe zero pounds on my credit cards? I could don my hairshirt for two years and never go out, reducing my credit card to zero, then released to enjoy myself again, step outside the house & be struck by a lightning bolt. What then the use of those two years saving money & being a good boy? Better to always run a debt & keep having amazing experiences.

The Makropulos Case was good (18th May 2006)

The Makropulos Case was good. One of the best things I have seen at the ENO in 14 years. Each act was very short with two intervals which meant I could go down to the Lemon Tree three times! The first time I went in and in corner of my eye I saw the white top barmaid from before bending over, this time not in a open shirt but a tight white T-shirt over straining bra. My eyes popped out of my head, my heart burst out of my chest, my cock burst out of my trousers. I admired her very much every time she went collecting glasses. The second time I went for a half the two girls were talking & when I caught their attention white top did a pose, as if to say oh sir how can I help you! She was so red hot. Her hair was up in a ponytail this time but I am sure it is the same one. The sexiest barmaid in London. The Lemon Tree does it every time. I will definitely go back to see The Makropulos Case again, just so I can go back to the Lemon Tree. I have spent £462 in two weeks. There can be no more Pamela or cinema. I don’t know. I feel crazy about all the money I am spending now. I must get my life in order.

After my haircut & after dinner I went back to Charing Cross (13th May 2006)

After my haircut & after dinner I went back to Charing Cross. Had three in the Calcutta on a Friday night, one or two sexy girls but mostly older women! Then straight to Sunset Cinema but it was already nearly 22:30. After a while black jacket, black skirt, black stockinged woman came in upstairs screen with man, medium brown hair, and they sat not doing much. I came back and sat just behind them & saw her skirt was pulled up high & she had suspenders showing. Man to my left started reaching round & grabbing her breasts, and with that it was like a whistle was blown, because everyone jumped from their seats & fell upon her. It was Kay, the same black dress woman from before. I pulled down her dress from behind and was fondling her breasts, while man stood in front of her wanking. I was rubbing my erect penis against her head, wrapping it in her hair, rubbing it against her cheek. She kept saying don’t spunk on my black clothes and "don't cum in my hair!" Oral sex is all she will do the man kept saying. I so much wanted to be round the front. Kay said something I didn't catch and the man next to me smiled at me kindly "You didn't mean to, mate, did you. It was an accident!" It got so hot she said it was like a sauna & eventually they gave up & went downstairs and were gone. I got a look at her in the bar to see her face for the first time & she is really pretty. Popped into Boulevard but the girls were so anonymous—another year till I go back! My cock is so hard now as I write this.****On the 77 back to Vauxhall this morning, I felt so powerful & free. How lovely to have my own flat all to myself. How lovely to get up fresh as a daisy at 630AM, and be out the flat by 7AM. I will start a new habit of rising early. I have cured myself of one addiction i.e. the Black Hole of Calcutta by adopting another i.e. the Sunset Cinema. The cinema really turns me on & gets me so much in the mood for Demi or Pamela. I am even tired of Sunset Strip now. I thought my freshness this morning (considering I did not get to bed till 230AM and was already up by 630AM) and my lack of drunkenness when I got back to my flat last night was down to the vigour of my wanking in the cinema, but when I think about it I only had the three pints in Calcutta and one bottle in Boulevard—that obviously is my good safe level. I was so nearly ready to come by twenty past midnight when I left the cinema, yet obviously not really exploding as I need to be before going to room. I went to Demi but was kept waiting outside door, so went to Pamela but was kept waiting inside, so went back to Demi and was told busy, so I went to KFC & had done with it. Now I’ve still got the £86 in my pocket so that is pleasing. I felt so empty last night though, thinking about Pamela. Already the Age of Melani is over, to be replaced by the Age of Pamela. She is another Ana Maria, another Lela. I WILL DRINK MORE WATER & START WAKING EARLY IN THE MORNINGS. How joyous life is, I thought, as I came down the early morning sun drenched station approach. It is good to be up at this time of day before the sun gets hot. People who don’t go to prostitutes, and pornographic cinemas, and strip clubs, who don’t live the life I do, I think of as outsiders.

Now I am staying in Soho much later i.e. after the pubs close, particularly the one on the corner of Peter Street, maybe I can try the other Peter Street places, meaning the one where I met Maria. This is to be a season of the flesh again. Like in the harbour at Antwerp. Looking at Rubenesque art all day, and in the brothels all night.

I overdid it at the Lemon Tree last night (12th May 2006)

I overdid it at the Lemon Tree last night, that is why I felt so bad this morning & did not want to get up. That brown wavy bob girl in tightest white blouse busting out over that huge deep cleavage, and nipples actually poking through. When she gave me my change she pressed her other hand under mine the way Diana used to do. La Belle Helene was so sexy for the two voluptuous chorus girls and the two scantily clad girls at the front, 

Parthoenis Amy Freston

Leoena Claire Wild 

not to mention so many huge voluptuous breasted girls in the audience. I just like looking, I don’t like to be with anyone. After the opera finished I should have gone straight home but I had to see those breasts of the barmaid again, and went in for 2 more pints. This was a mistake. By the end as I came out of toilet & passed her collecting glasses, she didn’t even smile.

I am proud of being anti-social. That is an important thing to say (11th May 2006)

I am proud of being anti-social. That is an important thing to say. I am proud of the way I am. I am different but that is OK. Massive-breasted girl in tight white blouse behind Lemon Tree bar. Brown bob, sexy, deep valley of cleavage. Her blouse is so tight the left nipple pokes through so clearly. How fucking sexy. I should drink here before going to whore & I would come every time. And as usual, so many huge-breasted girls in the pub as well. Another brown-haired girl in tight white blouse absolutely tearing open with the size of her breasts. Opera is about sex as I always said. The two tarty girls in red & black in La Belle Helene were so horny, and the huge-breasted chorus brunette in pink, and the other bouncy breast chorus girl in yellow bikini. The sexiest thing at ENO for years.