The Flying Scotsman was only great as an interval between visits to Berlin and maybe it can go back to that again (30th Nov 2006)

The Flying Scotsman was only great as an interval between visits to Berlin, and maybe it can go back to that again. 

You work hard to earn money so you can throw it away on your pleasures. How I admire that man at the hotel who drank 8 bottles of wine a day. 

I had such great high times in Berlin Munich Vienna I had to keep my fix going while stuck in boring London till I could get back again, that is when The Flying Scotsman started to become special to me. I love starting to drink, and then it hits your blood, then you get high, and lit up. 

Benassi Sex’n’Money. 

I have had some great nights on holiday, but they were all nights where I spent money wildly, like it was no object. That is the only lesson. Fuck the pain away.

The sensible thing would be to go to Brussels Thursday (27th Nov 2006)

The sensible thing would be to go to Brussels Thursday, spend one night in the Radisson (or Ibis probably better for ease, to save travelling to & for with bags), to allow me to get to Gare du Nord & Empire, then get train to Berlin next lunchtime, arriving Berlin Plaza about 8pm Friday night. Then staying there Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday nights, train back Tuesday, Eurostar back home Tuesday night??? 

Where do I want to go in Berlin? Just Alte National Gallery. Maybe Dom. Mostly just drinking & whoring at night. It will be nice to be in Berlin at Christmas time for first time ever. 

Just one more night to get through. Off to Waterloo on Thursday lunchtime for Eurostar. The return fare to Berlin from Brussels should be around £180? Maybe leave it till I get to Brussels to see if I can get it cheaper in the Gare du Midi??? 

Check hotel reservation for Berlin Plaza! 

**********Oh now I am so turned on & desperate to get to Berlin!! 

I have booked Thursday night in the Gare du Midi Ibis, Saturday-Monday nights in Berlin Plaza, I will just have to try Radisson SAS for Friday night in Berlin? Now Eurostar will be £89 and the Berlin train will be £185, total £275! Just one more night to get through, then I can be on Eurostar to Brussels & Berlin! These last minute decisions to travel are so much more exciting. Just watching the end of that Pete Doherty Arena documentary with him singing along to Radiohead in the car made me realise that all that matters is TO GET HIGH! TO LOSE IT! Be high all the time. 'Exhilaration is the breeze, that sweeps us off the ground'.

It is sad (25th Nov 2006)

It is sad. I had SO many great nights in Munich, but it is really hard to imagine how I could have another one. The Ukrainians have clamped everything down. Nice to look for Martina again in Pils? 

Munich seems rather sad & finished now? But to check in to the Inter City again! To go back to Lamm’s! To go out at night back across Bayerstraße to Atlantic City! To get that train to Nuremberg, Pils Bar, and Caribic on a Saturday night! Where is the best place for sex? Berlin, of course. How fantastic to go from Mon Cheri, to Golden Gate, to Monte Carlo, looking for the girl with big breasts, then taking her into the James Pryde bedroom or the séparée to f–k her. Save all my money for Berlin, and for Olga & Alla, and Ciro. That will be January 11th-14th. 

How fantastic to drink in Munich in Intercity, Lamm’s], Atlantic City at night. How fantastic to drink in Brussels in the Ibis or Radisson, then the Pullman bar, then the Metropole, before Empire at night. How fantastic to drink in Berlin in Berlin Plaza, then Café Zoo, Irish Bar beneath the old Romanisches Café, then the clubs at night. Why not go straight to Berlin this week???? Fuck La Traviata in January. Yes, Berlin. For Alte National Gallery, Dom, drinking in Café Zoo, The Oscar Wilde fish & chips, egg & ham rolls in Thobens, back to hotel to sleep, down to Berlin Plaza Knese at night for pfanne & pils, then out to Stutti or Ciro at night. So I fly? Yes. Berlin THIS WEEK!

I want my writing to be jouissance. Orgasm. An ejaculation in words (24th Nov 2006)

I want my writing to be jouissance. Orgasm. An ejaculation in words. 

Limit the f–king to once a fortnight. 

Translating mental upheaval into a revolution. 

“What do people think of me? A non entity, an eccentric, an unpleasant person, a person with no position in society, in sum the lowest of the low. Even if true, then one day I should like to show by my work what such a non entity, what such a nobody has in his heart. With a handshake, ever yours, Vincent.” 

I have become close to several whores: Ana Maria, Lela, Olga, Pamela. In Berlin Iga. To many sex dancers, too. In Munich Viktoriya. 

I wish the whole world was a harem. I wish it would thunder all the time, I wish it would rain all the time. I wish it would be dark all the time.

I am so tired & jaded of London now (23rd Nov 2006)

I am so tired & jaded of London now. I must instead go & get drunk in Brussels & Berlin. Reacquaint myself with Karl Kraus, and F Nietzsche. 

All that matters is my bleak books, written in blood, with blue hands in cold stoveless rooms around Europe. My studies in solipsism, the visceral pleasure in detachment of an autistic person. Autismus. Lotta & Sophia. The Cold Icy Air of the Mountains. Casanova. 

I have moved beyond —–, & Olga, and am free of them. Now the travelling starts again. To write my books in Brussels, Berlin, Munich and Vienna. 

I will run up such a debt I will no longer be able to go out in London, will just pay all my money on my credit card repayments & interest. That is OK. I will go back to drinking in my mother’s house & the Calcutta, while listening to the songs that remind me of travel, until I can travel again.

Now I’m thinking of course I must go to Berlin in January (20th Nov 2006)

Now I’m thinking of course I must go to Berlin in January. Life is to be lived and money is to be spent. Then I come and think you would spend hundreds of pounds going to Berlin just for that, when you can do it at home? But, no, sensual pleasure is the point of life. If I had never travelled I would never have met pink top Munich blonde, Pon de Replay Heathrow woman, Nicky, Arrica, Katerina in Frankfurt, Iga, Riccarda, Diana, Yulia, Susi, Irina, Viktoriya, Patricia, Emily. I will go to Brussels just for a Thursday, Friday and Saturday night in December maybe. Just time for Museum of Modern Art, Wiertz, Gare du Nord, kabins, and Empire—but then I think how bored I will be just in Brussels? If I am going to go, it must be Berlin or Vienna. In which case I should wait for January. But no it will be nice to go drinking in Brussels for three days, and just see who you meet. 

The thought of travelling has already cheered me up again! Just to go drinking in a different place. 

But if I’m going to go, I have to go wild, and spend a lot of money, not necessarily in Brussels, but for sure in Berlin.

Great depression when I woke this morning (19th Nov 2006)

Great depression when I woke this morning. Rejected by Pamela, —–, just used by Lydia to get her passport. Lydia does look so good, though, she turned me on so much. If we go to the swimming pool & sauna this month, I will not be able to resist trying to f–k her in the steam room! 

Huge pressure in my chest. Pamela’s rejection has saddened me.

I needed Pamela just to get me over —– (18th Nov 2006)

I needed Pamela just to get me over —–, so that money was vital to spend. I am now in my official worst ever financial position—but I am not crying over —– anymore. I even really enjoyed watching ——–, and —-, and could really enjoy all the girls again. I even got a thank you from ——–, and as she was trying to collect from drunk man, she backed into me & I even got a sorry from her, and in fact she stayed with her back resting against my arm the whole time she was with him. Maybe she sees I am not the only one who gets drunk and I am not as bad as some. 

I will leave Pamela for a while now, so my finances should recover a bit. It will just be twice a week at the Scotsman which shouldn’t be too bad. Maybe an occasional Sunset as well. 

BERLIN IN APRIL FOR SALOME IS A MUST!!!! 

So this is it—my first anniversary of moving into my own flat. What have I to show for it? Very little. It is my nest, my hiding place, and that is important though. I seem to have talked myself into going back to Brussels again, and Munich/Nuremberg, and Vienna, and Berlin in April! 

I don’t want to go to bed at night because I feel so empty and depressed. So unfulfilled, another day gone by on which I did absolutely nothing. Remember how I felt at the end of the Pete Doherty Arena, I wanted to go out & get high & lose myself, I suppose I am just feeling down now. Who would I like to be with now? Pamela? Yes. —–? No. I will not look at — for a week.

Life seems to have no meaning except to drink (17th Nov 2006)

Life seems to have no meaning except to drink. Nothing matters except getting drunk. “I give in to sin because you have to make this life livable” Strangelove—Tiger Baby. ********** 

I was absolutely hyperventilating as I waited for 96 to Horse & Groom, then as I walked along the street passing one pub after another, to find it, then pulling open the door to see…Amanda Barrington. Only three men in there. It is impossible to imagine —– working in an environment like this when she could be in the packed to the rafters Scotsman. I escaped, without asking Amanda about —–, as that would give me away, and resolved that I would now be able to go to the Scotsman after all. At Charing X there were no 91s coming, however, so I could not get to the Scotsman by 7, so might as well go to Sunset first so I could at least catch Helen. I saw her do one dance dressed as Salome, plus big Lilou who did look Danish. Snake-hipped Yasmin and Emilia who now looks like her sister, Ruby, Caroline who is Scottish, Nikita. After Helen I went up to Scotsman, already with five inside me, to see Camilla, Chloe, Arleni, Stella, Crystal, Lena. Absolutely packed. Again devastated and empty as still no sign of —–. I was thinking the danger is that now Pamela has comprehensively rejected me, I will start mourning my missed opportunity with —– again, and my mental health did indeed seem very shaky on Saturday. Back to the Sunset for some more Lilou and Caroline, and I was so drunk now I moved into the front row central. Sunset was packed now as well, standing room only, and whole back wall covered by men standing, plus blonde woman, and two Indian girls. Left after 7th beer, just as Caroline sat near me, and headed to say hello to Olga. Her hair is now wavy and looks so gorgeous. With make up on she once more looks like the woman I fell in love with & could not resist. I wish I had my camera with me at that moment. It was so good to see her. Staying with her so long, from 1140PM to 12? I missed the last train of course, and got back to the stop in time for the 20 past midnight N--. I was incredibly wide awake & crystal clear, though by the time we reached —— the headache had started and the eye ache in particular, like someone squeezing my eyeballs.

I think I now see that Olga has always reminded me of Lydia from Despair (16th Nov 2006)

I think I now see that Olga has always reminded me of Lydia from Despair, and that was a great deal of her appeal to me.

I love Pamela but cannot have her (15th Nov 2006)

I love Pamela but cannot have her. Another unrequited love in my life, after —–. At least with Pamela there is no madness, no great missed opportunity to torment me. There is just a sadness, when being with her is so lovely, she is so voluptuous and beautiful, it is so hard to come away. I will not see her again for a long time, I think. It is pointless, crazy, like it became with Lydia. And I am getting missed calls from her again, on the 9th, 10th, and 12th. 

I was running late so did not get to the Calcutta till 540, I took the box seat and found the Calcutta Belle & her man already sitting there. She was sitting facing me & it was hard to resist looking at her in the mirror. I left just after 6, after just one, as she was putting her coat on to leave as well. I got to the Scotsman just as —— was coming back to collect from some men she had missed first time but did not approach me, yet when she got on stage she was looking at me with little smiles. Sam, Crystal, Lucky. Alison, Cindy, Kelly, Cristina finishing at 7 same as Arleni. Holland v England was on which saved me some money.

—— served me first with a little smile. It did seem very busy in there; I wonder if people had been reading my recommendations! It was great to see Lucky & Alison again, but nothing else, and I left after 3. Felt so steaming mad, and bad-tempered on the bus, just from the despair and unhappiness of my life. Would have loved a Dionysus but resisted. Looked in Sunset Cinema but could not be bothered, just wanted to see Pamela. £47. Finally understood now it will always be no. Sadness. She is so good to hold, and talk to. Her dog is a terrier, called —. “He loves me”.

Not sure why I was quite so depressed after last night (9th November 2006)

Not sure why I was quite so depressed after last night. Felt rejected by —— covering her ears when I asked about private parties, and then by Pamela keep saying no to me, she is busy every day, then when I asked her if she had a boyfriend she announced she had a not-quite a boyfriend, a Frenchman, who she knew from when she first came to England. Did not wake up till 130PM, just in time to head back to Calcutta for four, then the Queen Anne. Clara, Lucy is Giselle from Sunset! Then Redd appeared. My god. She is everything she is cracked up to be and more. Changed into black businesswoman’s jacket and skirt with nothing underneath. I had a private dance with her and she rubbed very hard against me. She is awesome. It will be so long till I see her again. Got to work just before 10. Fairly awful night as can be expected with six pints inside me. 

Arleni, Maira, the unbelievably pretty Sol, Sam, Lena, Michelle, at the Flying Scotsman. And —- who I avoided. Stupidly I went into Sunset Cinema, paid £12, just looked upstairs and downstairs then left straightaway. I was too drunk. Big Naughty Titties is the only title I can remember. Pamela was busy so I sat with maid waiting, She smiled hello when she saw me, in red bra & knickers, & hair pulled back tight. As I said I felt like she would always reject me and it will never happen. “Don’t look sad” she said as I dressed, “I hate it when you look sad” At least I only spent £22 this time. All those gorgeous Berlin whores I could be fucking in Mon Cheri,Golden Gate and Monte Carlo. All those gorgeous Vienna whores. Clarisse in Brussels. 

It is six days till I can misbehave again next Wednesday. Just three hours to get through tonight. 

This day last year I was heading to Berlin for Eugene Onegin at the Deutsche Oper, and going to see the Katarina Wild Horses film in BEC afterwards, and getting so hard it would not go down even by the time I got back to leaf-strewn Ku’damm. How long till I do that again? The thing is I don’t regret spending £12 in cinema Wednesday, I just regret not forcing myself to stay. 

I would like to see Demi again in Peter Street. For that I have to go to cinema first. Just 8 days till —– at the Horse & Groom. New brunette girl in the Calcutta. Thank God a girl at last!

Cannot talk to anyone at work again (6th November 2006)

Cannot talk to anyone at work again. Awful. Want something to happen with Pamela. After all it is Tuesday tonight, so I can possible see her tomorrow. Calcutta, Flying Scotsman?, Sunset Cinema, Lisle Street. Maybe I will give the Scotsman a miss for a week. I do like those long long sessions in the Calcutta. The bigger question concerns Thursday. Do I go see Redd Adaire 4-8 at the Queen Anne?

I am under a lot of financial pressure now (5th November 2006)

I am under a lot of financial pressure now. I have steered myself towards some very tight straits, and the rock walls are closing in on me from both sides. Will my ship be able to squeeze through?

Yes I have spent £268 this week—but it was vital money to get me over —– and start something new with Pamela (4th Nov 2006)

Yes I have spent £268 this week—but it was vital money to get me over —– and start something new with Pamela. Pamela did repeat on Thursday that she doesn’t go out with customers, but then she said “I cannot go out this week, and I cannot go out next week because I am busy every day”. What about the week after? “I don’t know what my plans are the week after”. So she is not ruling it out then! Or am I clutching at straws?

It is amazing how everything has come together (3rd November 2006)

It is amazing how everything has come together: Hogarth, Harlot’s Progress, Hogarthian Flying Scotsman, Pamela, —–, Zoe Tapper, Twenty Thousand Streets. The necklace I commented to —– on, my necklace that broke with Pamela. I never want to do anything but drink in the Calcutta, then go up to either the Hogarthian Flying Scotsman to drink some more and hopefully see —–, or to see Pamela in Lisle Street next to the Crooked Surgeon. 

I want to try to get to the Soanes Museum, The Departed, Cabaret.

The reason I am going crazy over Pamela is my madness over —– (2nd November 2006)

The reason I am going crazy over Pamela is my madness over —–. The two are connected inextricably, I will never get anything from either. 

Another five in the Calcutta. The Belle of the Calcutta came in at 530 with boyfriend, black boots, short black dress, white white legs, black lipstick, brown fur trimmed coat, what a sex bomb. Later I sat at round table so I could get a direct look as she sat facing him in box seat, beautiful breasts in that black silk dress. From there I do not remember but I must have walked up to Leicester Square up the side-turning directly towards the Crooked Surgeon and straight into Pamela’s door, Emma now. She was grinning as she opened the door £50 for twenty minutes talking! Let me suck her breasts and did not stop me even when her nipples got hard, and let me lick her pussy as well. 

Fantastic watching the Hogarth Harlot’s Progress programme when I got back with Zoe Tapper again as the prostitute Mary Collins. How poignant to see Hogarth falling so infatuatedly in love with his whore. 

A Harlot’s Progress 

“In 1731 the artist William Hogarth produced a graphic series of paintings which lifted the lid on 18th-century vice and established his enduring reputation as a remarkable social satirist and the greatest British artist of his day. With an all-star cast, A Harlot’s Progress depicts Hogarth’s exploration of sex trafficking and debauchery in Georgian London.”