Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily (28th July 2006)

Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily. In fact you cannot have one without the other. Berlin Eroticism is different again, as is Munich Eroticism, and Brussels Eroticism. I will always remember Maria in Pour Platin. I will always remember arriving in Vienna at 11pm in the snow. Saybia, Mando Diao,The Libertines, Chemical Brothers, Soulwax. 

I am sure Lilith knows I am there from the moment I connect to her room. A look always comes over her face, and is it my imagination but does she always start readjusting her camera, just to give an excuse to look directly into the lens? The moment I logged in under ---- I am sure I saw her face freeze, as if suddenly desperate not to betray any emotion, but I am sure her heart started beating faster, because she started breathing deeper and faster.

Oh god I miss Munich so much! (23rd July 2006)

Oh god I miss Munich so much! "The area around the Intercity hotel is slightly seedy". Oh god I miss Schillerstraße and Goethestraße at nights! All those neon lights! I miss walking back into the Atlantic City, and Sexyland even! Lamm's! Oh god I miss Berlin Plaza so much! That Berliner Pils and knesepfanne! That nighttime walk to Sarah Young and Berlin Erotic Centre, and on to Mon Cheri and Golden Gate and Monte Carlo! Or to Ciro! Oh god I miss the Wien Dorint so much! That night time trawl of the Gurtel, Manhattan and Pour Platin! Those white-shirted Dorint girls! Seriously, where am I going to find my sugar daddy to make this possible? A better job---pah! If I moved to ----- for £19.000 I would be working hard all year just to reduce my credit card debt from £6,000 to £4,000, big deal! I need a sudden injection of cash! If Lydia lent me £5,000??? It would be a mad adventure. I dread doing it & getting trapped, but I would be inspired to do it because I know it would free me to get back to Munich & Berlin & Vienna. 

Oh how I miss sitting in the Café Belge of the Ibis Brussels! Always seemed to meet single women there, not only --! Watching the trams before heading up to Gare du Nord, or Empire. How I miss the Pullman! Those lovely large rooms, especially the corner one that bends right round, or the one with the window in the deep archway. Lydia is a crazy girl & she wants me to be crazier than her. She has nothing to lose; I everything. 

Oh god I cannot wait till I can get back to the Calcutta on Wednesday! And then back to the Scotsman! Two places where you can stay for hours on your own & feel completely comfortable. Unlike the Lemon Tree, unfortunately, where I never feel comfortable. I cannot wait to get back to the cinema again, then on to Demi or Pamela.

On way home same big breast girl got on Wandsworth Road (19th July 2006)

On way home, same big breast girl got on Wandsworth Road. Looked at her in profile, blue vest.Till she came towards me & sat in back corner, giving me a really good look at her big cleavage. Got an erection. She sat in corner half turned towards me, then made a big play of turning right towards me to untie her ipod.**************Had coke & two beers in the Calcutta. It was so hot in there, and so black. Joked with Hossain about it. After my coke, he said “oh that was just your starter?” Sexy big brunette in brown vest & skirt came in with boyfriend but left because too hot. Up to the Bell. Fantastic Arctic Monkeys Vampires song in the Calcutta followed by long extended throbbing intro to Madonna’s Hung Up. A depressing return to Sunset. Waited & waited for Melani to arrive downstairs & it was only after buying my second Fosters I saw her name was not on rota. Quite empty because it was so hot. Looked in cinema, Voyeur 18 but not much else. I’ll check it on internet if I go home tonight then can go back for it Friday if necessary. Low key day.  Two in Calcutta, two in the Scotsman, two in Sunset.

How many times I have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory (18th July 2006)

How many times I have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. How many more times have I just looked away when victory was sitting there waiting for me, like with Carol at Sunset. —– & —– at the Scotsman. —–. They all presented themselves to me on a plate. Bus stop girl. “Oh you’re so sweet, do you know that!” pigtail barmaid at the Calcutta.They all just offered themselves to me, while I was minding my own business. Ursula at the Calcutta. When opportunity arises, I go cold, like with Melani, and Lilith. I send them all away.***On way back from haircut, went in Calcutta for coke & three beers, following me in was brunette in little brown vest, quite big breasts, butterfly tattoo on back, as I sat in box seat she sat in front of me, kept looking at herself in mirror but really to see if I was noticing her.

I am pretty far gone aren’t I? (16th July 2006)

I am pretty far gone, aren’t I? Look at my face, the bags under my eyes. The way I cannot talk to people. I am like a drug addict. I have disappeared so far inside myself. It is almost impossible for me to be in a room with other people. I am like a wild child. No wonder people often think I am on drugs. I am a revolutionary at work. I am carrying out a revolution. A subversive one. A Situationist revolution. I am carrying out a Situationist revolution against the whole of society around me.

It is fantastic to be in a pornographic cinema when a girl comes in. Of course I will keep going to Sunset Cinema after the Bell, prior to Demi. Sex, sordid, sleazy sex, illicit thrills, Godzilla sex, vampire sex, is what I live for. Companionship is not possible, for I am a dead man, a ghost.

My books are my revolutionary texts—AUTISMUS, LOTTA, THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS, and CASANOVA (LOST WANDERINGS).

My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am but also how unhappy I am (15th July 2006)

My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am, but also how unhappy I am. From the moment I met her outside -- tube she started saying “you are unhappy”. I suppose I am. I live in a constant fog of unhappiness that I have got so used to I no longer notice it. Only when I am forced to be with people, I realise how shocking other people find me. And how white I am. I live in darkness, both literally and metaphorically. Who would I want to be with now? No one. Not Lydia. Not —–. Not Pamela. I only want to be alone. Left alone with my writing the way Munch wanted to be left alone with his pictures. This is a wonderful world for an autistic person. As long as we can indulge it. After getting back to Charing X from --, I had a small tuna & mayo with the grinning “how are you?” Alia, and “see you later!”, before dragging myself back into the Calcutta. Only as I got on the 815 train I saw the huge voluptuous titted blonde bouncing past the window, with that almost black lipstick pout she puts on in disgust when she knows men are looking at her tits, yet she always wears those ludicrously low cut vests, this time green, that show off so much of the tops of her tits. How I would like to touch & taste & f–k those tits.

You could say I have got worse, and I am like someone who has given up and will try no more; or you could say I have got better. I am more myself now. I am purer. I have gone deeper into myself, and deeper into nothingness. And that is where I long to be and where I love to be.

Even Thursday I felt so bored in the cinema, despite Tittenalarm 18, UNTIL the blonde came in with the man, and was kissing him, and her knees drawn up so he could finger her and all the men in the seats in front were turning & looking up her. That suddenly was SO hot and sexy. I had to leave in a hurry because I wanted to explode straightaway with Demi, but still she is gone for another two weeks, so I went with Francesca, just in the one position and came easily. I will not go back. Demi will be the next one I go to. The Sunset rota is up but I just feel totally sated by it now. I would rather go see Taxi Driver and the Romanian film. I have to stop my spending now. 

Another call from Lydia as I lay cutting up my newspapers (9th July 2006)

Another call from Lydia as I lay cutting up my newspapers. I let it ring out, but immediately felt guilty, & texted her back Oh Lydia. This time I answered. What you doing Wednesday & Thursday? You come swimming with me? Maybe. Maybe, or yes?! I don't like swimming but I like you. Alright we will just go outside somewhere. Thursday. I feel excited. She always turns me on. I always want to lay with her and f--k her. I have loved her since the first time I met her. It has been almost two years now. Then there is -----, who I am still addicted to. 

Then there is Lilith. When you put your face close to the cam, it is like the greatest thing in the world. It is like the opening bars of Beethoven's 5th symphony. Something great has just occurred. Like Norman Mailer wrote about Last Tango in Paris. When Marlon Brando first meets Maria Schneider in the apartment & without warning reaches down & rips her knickers off in one movement, the sound of that tear is as great a moment in Western civilisation as the opening Da-da-da-daas of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. It is lunacy but beautiful lunacy. When you put your face next to the screen, it is as great. You say you do this for connections. Yet you don't see the point. Maybe just not with me. You are on a different level to all the other girls. You are iconic. I am scopophile. Erotomane. If you don't talk, you become a fetish object. We gaze & gaze at you. No one else would be worth gazing at. Your face is addictive. There is more going on in your face & eyes than all the other "models" put together. Men look, and women are looked at. I cannot believe there is anyone on the entire web as worth gazing at as you. You glow in the dark. Like the tip of your nighttime cigarette. And the men gather to you, like moths around the flame. And if their wings burn, you know you're not to blame. Marlene Dietrich. Years ago I used to go to old cinemas and gaze up at her face like I do to yours now. They say her glory was all down to the lighting. It is clever the way you light yourself as well. You just show us your face & shoulders, and lit by a spotlight. None of the other girls do that. I can scroll down the list of online girls so quickly knowing your face will leap out as soon as I get to it. 

Every meeting with Lydia is so charged and erotic. Every meeting with ----- is so charged and erotic. Every meeting with Lilith is so charged and erotic. Demi, too. Melani. To an extent, Sandra, Helen.

Sin, degradation and despair. But enough of the good things in life (8th July 2006)

Sin, degradation, and despair. But enough of the good things in life. I have become so used to you, I no longer like it when the other girls reply to me. I now only become erotically aroused when ignored. When I first talked with Lilith in free, she had no lipstick on, just those black eye shadow & black mascara eyes. After she was whisked away from me into private (maybe she keeps taking herself private to lure me in?), she came back wearing that blood red lipstick again, and looking so beautiful. This time I had to take her private myself. ************No sign of Lilith tonight. I have a quandary. I’d have to be as rich as Croesus to pay $20 a time just for four minutes of conversation with you. Yet you do not talk for free. So what is left? I actually look forward to Sunday night back at work so I can look for her again. Like Orphée into the Underworld.

Finally went private with Lilith (7th July 2006)

Finally went private with Lilith. She was wearing black again, with really black eyes. Really red lips, like she was making an effort. Amazing she let me in at all. Not a smile from her, though. Spent $37 just talking to her. “Maybe the riddle is not supposed to be solved”. When I was talking to her in free, telling her she looked like Kate Moss, someone else kept whisking her into private. I am sure that must have been —-, so jealous when anyone else gets on with her. It happened twice. I told her I would send her another email and she replied no ty. You hate me that much. I don’t hate you. I just don’t see the point. I am more hooked then ever. I don’t want to be hooked. I even got a response from Geany. She was wearing those green knickers. I said whenever I see that shade of green I always think of you. And she started smiling. I then said green how I love you green. And she replied hahah Sgt, whether that was sarcastic or not I do not know. She said she was Romanian yet she seems to talk fluent Spanish, so maybe she does know Lorca.

As good as Wednesday was Thursday was bad (6th July 2006)

As good as Wednesday was, Thursday was bad. It was ever thus. I was strangely not in the mood for Sunset. Stacey & Helen sitting at bar as I stood between them waiting to get my drink when I arrived, Samantha, Giselle, Daniella, Lana, but I felt uncomfortable & awkward. Had four Fosters before going up to the Scotsman but it was the worst line up ever, not one worth staying for. I could only finish about a third of my pint and left again! I felt like going straight home but felt I would feel like it had been a missed opportunity if I sat at home all Thursday night, so forced myself back to the cinema for the same films. It was a mistake. The same films never seem so sexy second time around. Resisted the thought of forcing myself to Francesca as well, and came home via a KFC, another mistake, and a tuna & mayo roll. The blonde girl grinned at me so much as I approached and said “tuna mayo!”. As I left I said cheers, and she looked up at me with the most gorgeous huge grin and a “cheers brother!”. Someone likes me at least. At the start, I finally made it to the Courtauld–what treasures! At the 87 bus stop going home to pick up my dirty washing, lovely big voluptuous Eurasian/Kazakh? looking girl was looking how to get to Leicester Square so I told her, but as I was demonstrating & explaining, she pressed her huge breasted voluptuous body in blue T-shirt & jeans right up close to me, and our bodies kept bouncing against each other. It was so erotic & she was hot.

This is Fu Manchu weather (5th July 2006)

This is Fu Manchu weather. Black, steamy, hot and humid, but raining all the time. A permanent mist of rain in the hot, steamy conditions. It is like being in Phnom Penh. This is Cambodia weather. Two in the Calcutta with white shirt Katerina with no eye contact. Sylvie was first on in Sunset followed by Jolanda. Nina was next. She is so much like Melani, but Melani is Nina x100. Nina does not turn me on though she is so beautiful. Also there Angelina, and doing the middle shift, Sandra. A quiet small brunette but she was so sexy! She made eye contact with me a lot & really turned me on. I left about 5 because it is so empty on early shift I feel uncomfortable. 

At the Scotsman was ——. After dancing she marched straight to back & sat down with me again. I bought her another Red Bull. She was so sexy in little red tartan bra & knickers only. Drinking so much so quickly on empty stomach I was feeling randier than normal, and when she left to collect, & asked me to keep her drink safe for her, I stroked her bum and had a good feel of it. She looked at me in mock shock but she was so sexy on stage. While she was dancing however, a huge voluptuous red haired girl came in with two blokes to talk to Tina. They exchanged numbers & then she came & sat where —— had been sitting, so I could get a good side on look at her. Those tits are the most massive I have ever seen in my life. Her arse was practically hanging out of her jeans & that was massive as well. She glanced at me a few times. If she ever danced there I would die with pleasure. It would be the greatest striptease I have ever seen in my life. Knocking even fat-bottomed silver-dressed girl at Carnival into the shade. They were like zeppelins. Looking past her, —— suddenly seemed so ridiculously small. —— came back for her drink & found the girl there & was then in animated conversation with her & they exchanged numbers as well. After that —— came & had a drink with another man sitting at the side bar in front of me. After collecting —— sidled up to me again, whispering "a drink? Vodka & coke". After she finished I bought it for her & she came & collected in by the gents but just walked off with it & stood talking to other men with my drink in her hands!

Vicki was quite friendly, not scowling at least. Stella smiled hello as she passed me by the gents, but I don’t think I stayed long enough to see her dance, or Kelly (Enlgish). 

I went back to look for Francesca but she was busy, so I went back to Sunset for Lana & Nikita, the end of Elektra, and one more from Sandra before she left at 9. I watched most of the France v Portugal second half then went to Sunset Cinema. The films were great. Magma Swing Party, Nympho Nurses Naughty, and Tittenalarm 17—all German films!—plus Fresh Meat 18. I thought I was turned on enough so I went back to Francesca. She lived up to her description. Her breasts are sensational. She is pretty enough as well. For an extra £5 I got her to turn over but still could not come. She offered a hand job AND TOOK THE CONDOM OFF TO GIVE IT! It is true, she lets you come over her tits just like that. Still I could not come, so I apologised & kissed her goodbye. She works Tuesday to Saturday but only to 10PM. I will for sure go back many times. 

I went back to the cinema again for more of the great films. Upstairs was bald bloke with pretty brunette girl from last week but they do not seem to do much. This time I was ready to explode, & though I wanted to carry on watching the films, I made my way to Demi, but another girl was there, Savannah. She was pretty but £30. I was tempted but she walked off angrily, so her attitude turned me off though her body was great. I went back to Pamela. It was so nice sucking her tits and the edge of her nipples at least. I could not stop sucking and love biting her. For £25 she turned over & I came very nicely again. I made her lay with me for just a couple of minutes, but could not stop laughing for some reason. She did not stay with me as I got dressed this time. I was too drunk to ask her anything. I came home after that. There was a sexy brown ponytail girl stood behind me at bus stop then she came & sat in the corner seat just beneath me, in little pink vest & I could not help keep looking down at her cleavage & her face, and she knew I was looking & I think liked it. She got off Wandsworth Road just before me. Sitting in back seat opposite me our knees touching was most beautiful blonde in long skirt, jacket over little green top, with nice big tits & cleavage on show. I grabbed a few ogles & she was so beautiful. On the next corner seat was the purple blouse girl from before! In brown leather jacket, low cut shirt with tops of breasts visible, and tight brown skirt. Red lips. She was so sexy. Sitting side on ready to get off she knew I was looking at her so much. All in all, a very sexy night. A night of a thousand breasts, and a dozen super-voluptuous vixens. Jolanda, redhead at the Scotsman, Francesca, Pamela, girls at bus stop & on bus. Sandra.

Ecstatic outpourings (1st July 2006)

Ecstatic outpourings. It is easy to say I am wasting my life and my money on all these whores and strippers, in London and Berlin and Vienna and Brussels. Rather, aren’t they the best thing about life? Aren’t they the alpha and omega of life? Aren’t they the brief moments that persuade us to put off suicide a little longer? Do they not provide the very greatest, and most precious and treasured memories of my life? Aren’t my greatest regrets, indeed, that I did NOT do anything with Clarisse in Brussels, I did NOT do anything with the Ukrainian sisters Alla & Olga in Berlin, I did NOT do anything with Martina in Nuremberg? So what I owe £5,800 on my credit card? That seems like nothing. Aren’t travelling round Europe and London in search of the biggest-breasted whores and strippers the greatest point of life, and the most worthwhile quest!?

So that is it, June is over. The first half of the year is over. Most of it lost in suffering over —–, then recovering via Melani and Pamela and Demi.

I find it impossible to give anything with people at work, because I am just desperately counting down the nights and hours till I can get back to Sunset or the Scotsman or the cinema or a whore. That is all I think about.**********I feel very depressed now. By all the above. There is nothing in my life except that, and the writing. I can only be alone. I cannot bear to be with another person. Nobody could bear to be with me.

I WANT TO WRITE LIKE E.E.CUMMINGS. I WANT TO WRITE LIKE HART CRANE. I WANT TO WRITE LIKE PHILIP O’CONNOR. I WANT MY WORDS TO APPEAR IN OLD PAPERBACK BOOKS LIKE I FIND IN THE CHARING CROSS ROAD SECOND HAND BOOKSHOPS. I want to write about solipsism, and what it is like to never connect. To always live alone. To always retreat from people when they try to get close. Only when I feel most bleak and lonely can I write.

The friendships I NEARLY developed with Iga and Riccarda, with Viktoriya and Irina and Susi, with Ana Maria and Lela, and —– and Melani.