I feel such a coldness at the Flying Scotsman (29th June 2006)

I feel such a coldness at the Flying Scotsman, from within I mean. I feel cold about it. I have lost interest in it. I no doubt will keep going all the same. I feel such a coldness for Lilith. Today maybe Courtauld? Or a film? Then back to Sunset for Helen and Stacey. Then maybe cinema again. That’s my life. It is amazing what they get away with at the cinema. Men f–king that old girl with their pants down around their ankles.

I came all the way home Wednesday night to see Lilith (28th June 2006)

I came all the way home Wednesday night to see Lilith on my home PC to find she has unbanned me! She has let me back in but now I find I do not want to talk to her. I have lost interest in her. I didn’t get to Calcutta till 330 which meant I didn’t get to Sunset Strip till 420 again. 

I left before 7 back to Sunset Cinema. A couple of good films, Hot Chic and I Dream of Jenna. Despite six pints I was ready to explode again. Tried first door & blonde girl was there but busy so I went to Pamela and found some other girl but Renata was the maid! In blue jumper over those big breasts, she must have recognised me on camera because she was waiting for me. The girl kept smiling and saying “ahhh”, as I cuddled Renata and kissed her on cheek. She says she has stopped doing it, and “never again”. How weird! Will Renata now be Pamela’s maid!!??? I went back to blondie then, Luciana, half Swedish half Greek. Amazingly, she turned over without hesitation but only doggy style because down hurts. I managed to convince her to try and was gentle, mainly because I was so close to coming I had to keep stopping. It felt so good slowly sliding in and out of her so close to coming. She is friendly, nice smile. Home via Upper Crust and sexy Greek/Turkish looking black ponytail girl at bus stop in jacket over red T-shirt and dirty blue jeans. Off first stop in W Road. Packed bags & rushed home on last train.

£248 spent this week, all on pleasure seeking! (23rd June 2006)

£248 spent this week, all on pleasure seeking! But it is better to run up a £6,000 debt and spend all my money on pleasure seeking, isnt' it? Other than that live like a monk & die so unhappy with so little pleasure. Carry on! What I saw. What I saw would make your eyes pop out of your head. Emily the Romanian in the Munich separée. Patricia the Brazilian in the Munich separée. Irina. Clarisse. Iga. Riccarda. Yulia, Diana. The Egyptian. Andrea the Greek. Jolanda. 

I must travel again---but when can I ever???? Berlin for Golden Gate [now closed] and Mon Cheri [now closed] and Ciro and the Lietzenburgstraße place [now closed]. Brussels for Empire & Gare du Nord windows. Vienna for the Gurtel.

The — interview was fairly awful (22nd June 2006)

The — interview was fairly awful. At the end she was saying “You don’t seem relaxed. You seem…distant! Like there is something else on your mind. Are you all right?” How this echoes what N— was saying to me all through the training & at the end. Everyone finds me distant. I would not want to work at the —! It is funny, for the interview — sat me down at the same table where I had sat with Lydia! 

It took me an hour to get back to the flat as the 87s stopped coming along the Strand! Passing me at the stop was the most stunning brunette girl in black short skirt, black jumper tied round waist, and tight black top over the most massive soft bouncy breasts, and so so pretty face. She saw me looking and put her head down smiling as she passed. My God, I wanted to f— her brains out. I got changed & headed straight back to Calcutta for Italy v Czechs but would have preferred to watch the girls passing by. I left just before halftime to get to Sunset. Barmaid was in yellow Brasil top waving to me as I paid to come near her to get my drink & not make her walk! Then Helen. My God, Helen, another real erection watching her, and another real erection when Stacey came on again. When was the last time I got real erections at Sunset Strip, or anywhere for that matter? It takes me back to the days of red wig, and gold shoes, black feathers. The old man in front of me paid Helen a tip, so she kept coming back to him but I noticed even though she stood or lay right in front of him, her body was always angled so her pussy and or her arse was pointing in MY direction! It was thrilling. Every time she kept her eyes on him, but pointed her pussy at me. She is incredible. I left at 530 to get to the Bell, feeling tonight was the night when I would see —! As I bought my pint I looked up and there was —‘s name finishing at 7!!!

I was saying just on Thursday where are all the sexy dancers (20th June 2006)

I was saying just on Thursday where are all the sexy dancers, and yet Saturday night I felt so sexy watching almost all the Sunset girls, Luna, Adriana, Helen, Ariana, Elektra, Foxy, Esthee, as well as the ones sitting upstairs I never got to see. Atmosphere is everything. Being in the right frame of mind, and being in a crowded place. I will go back to Sunset much more often on Saturdays. All the time Saturday I was thinking “I am in a Fu Manchu film” and every time I felt tired this immediately sparked me up again & made the sight in front of me seem sexy. If I imagine my whole life as being acted inside a Fu Manchu film this makes everything sexy to me. I was thinking on the bus home this morning, when I actually felt so happy & confident, that I needed to be cockier & more confident, like I did Saturday night, to get more out of things. Definitely Fu Manchu is the paradigm I need to remember. The Willing Cheeks of Fu Manchu! The Yellow Claw! I love that foggy Edwardian London they are set in, and after all don’t I live in an Edwardian London? A ——– Edwardian London? It gives me the chance to really enjoy the pleasures of Moloch, the nighttime pleasures, and the pleasures of Berlin, and Vienna, and Brussels. It give me the chance to stay in ——– palaces in Vienna, and elsewhere. If you go in feeling sexy, it will feel sexy. How sexy Esthee seemed. Even Nikita and Anna. Everything was eroticised. I was ready to come in the cinema even after six beers. It was spitting with rain as I came home this morning, and the trees were dark green through the misty spray of the rain, and it felt so Fu Manchu.****An incredible night on Streamway. I gravitated almost straight to OpenLegs4U; she was the only one I wanted to log into under my own name anyway. As usual, she was like stone, not an answer to anyone. Yet her face was so expressive, she was so happy and laughing, and smiling. Amazingly I broke through. “You are like the sphinx” “Beautiful, enigmatic, and mysterious” And then it came, in red: “Ty”. “You set men riddles that no man can solve” I then asked her to look me in the eyes for two seconds, which she did not do, which started off a raging argument between Stooge and Popi: “If you aren’t gonna do that for sarge, why not live up to your namesake and open your legs” “Don’t be so rude”. Then, amazingly, while the battle was raging, she DID seem to look into the camera, twice, for a couple of seconds each. It felt an amazing moment of connection. “You are the most fascinating woman on this site” Amazingly, another immediate, red, “Ty”. “if you really think that,” said Stooge, “you must have led a very sheltered life. ” “No not really, ” I replied, “All the others just seem the same” “If you don’t agree she is the most fascinating person on here, why stooge are you still here?” “Waiting for some miracle, to show she has a brain or a personality” Someone then took her private & I wandered off to look at Melanic. When I came back, no one else seemed to be there for a while, until two or three new people emerged. By then I had found her email address in her photos & tracked her down on Google to her Yahoo site and more stunningly beautiful pictures. “Littlewolf” I said to her only, and she kept her face impassive, though her heart & mind must have been racing inside. Then “Would you please look me in the eye once more before I go?”, to which she without hesitation glanced sideways at me out of the corner of her eye.

Quite a grey cool 7AM start to the day as it so often is in summer (18th June 2006)

Quite a grey cool 7AM start to the day, as it so often is in summer. I just want to be going back to Sunset Strip and Sunset Cinema. I am a rebel and a revolutionary and I just do not care. I flaunt and provoke and scandalise. Just three nights to get through! Then Jolanda for sure early Wednesday. When the ———? When my life is so empty and I am so bored, what else could I do but turn to pornography, strippers and whores? Is Lydia another one I have broken the heart of? Like Lela, and Ana Maria? Maybe Pamela, too? Viktoriya? Susi? If I didn’t spend money like this is in Moloch, I would just save it so I could do the same things in Berlin and Vienna. Van Gogh, Dowson, Ravel spent their whole life with whores, it is what artists, writers, composers do. It is the bohemian way of life. And it leads to the madhouse, or the morgue. I love my little flat don’t I?! To listen to Wagner Tristan Prelude and Schoenberg’s Erwartung on my tape machine, and then watching the Francesco man on the TV talking about Italy.

How to gather together all the fragments of thoughts and impressions from this night? (17th June 2006)

How to gather together all the fragments of thoughts and impressions from this night? I went straight to Calcutta for two while watching the start of the Czech-Ghana match, then up to Sunset via Oxford Circus and Central Line. Elektra was there but it is three new girls who made the most impression on me. Luna, like another Giselle, Adriana and Helen. All beautifully voluptuous and sexy, but it was Luna especially who actually made me swell. For her second arrival she went to the pole nearest me, turned round and bent over to point her ass straight at me, as if to say this dance is for you. At 6 I went up and watched a bit of football. Foxy was there & she kept glancing round as if towards the street, and when she went in to dance, she looked anxiously back over her shoulder and I followed her with my eyes and we locked eyes with each other very intently. That was a thrilling moment. Elektra was dancing to a song “and the TV’s on” “just a little baby” something like that. The music there is so loud, and bass-deep, and thumping. I was in one of those moods where every girl was sexy, even Nikita on her back as I came in, in a double act with blonde Emma. I left for the Royal Opera House via Holborn and Piccadilly Line to Covent Garden, had a pack of crisps in the pub opposite while watching the end of the Ghana game—how fantastic when a World Cup is on! To go from pub to pub watching bits of games! Once again I remembered why I thought I would become a regular at the ROH. From that balcony position C64 the view is fantastic. You feel so close to the action. It feels so exciting. Christine Rice was great in Duke Bluebeard’s Castle in red dress. I really enjoyed it. I ached painfully when I thought I could have been in this position to see Alexandra von der Weth in Boulevard Solitude five years ago if I could have been bothered, and now will probably never see her. One of the great missed opportunities of my life, along with Violeta Urmana at the Wigmore. I was feeling very tired during Bluebeard, but forced myself back to pub just for a coke with ice while watching the Italy-USA game. I saw the Italy goal, the USA goal, and the Italy sending off, before I had to go back for Erwartung, which was also fantastic. It is so Vienna! It reminded me so much of the nights searching the Gurtel for Tallulah or Esmeraldas. That really is the music of the Viennese broken world. How you look for love and sensuality but it is always broken and twisted, and you can never believe in it. I found it very very moving, this lonely solitary questing after love and sex. 

Back to Covent Garden, Holborn, Central Line to get back to Soho. So many breasts on display in this hot weather, the black dress girl with cleavage hanging out getting on tube as I got off. There were screens in the street around Frith Street and Bateman and crowds were gathered watching the end of the Italy game, a huge roar went up before I got there, but it was a miss. I decided to go back to Sunset as it cost me no more, to see some more action. I watched the last four minutes of the game, then went downstairs to find it packed!!! With four of five girls as well. I will come on Saturday nights more often. Ariana, a tall blonde was looking at me a lot at the back, Estee was in her element with a big crowd, Foxy too was great. I went back upstairs to sit a while and saw so many sexy girls there, the one in little red bra & knickers & devil’s horns, Emilia?, a really beautiful girl smoking looking a bit like Samantha/Maria Moore. Sandra? Anna was the blonde girl from Boulevard. It closes at 1 with last admission at 1230, and I thought I might go back but didn’t. The films did not look good at Sunset but I stayed anyway. Upstairs I walked in and saw man sitting there with massive big fat cock, the fattest I have ever seen. The Hot Rod Blue adverts near the end were the best thing (Wicked Weapon, Rich Man’s Bitch), and I was really close to exploding, even after a total of six beers. The start of The Power of Love was good with Taylor St Claire and I knew I had to leave. I tried Demi, upstairs from Demi (with a Kay lookalike who said goodbye really nicely who I might go back for), Pamela’s room with a Cristina M Bell lookalike, then Lydia. I am saying nothing more except that she looked beautiful, especially at the end as she sat on bed waiting for me to dress with her hair down, black mascara running around her eyes. “Why did you come back?”

A time of illness (4th June 2006)

A time of illness, a time when we feel low, and hit rock bottom, is always good, because we can strip everything away, and just see what is really important to us. What we want to do, what we want to be, cut away all the superfluous things that have been allowed to encrust themselves to us, and concentrate on the simple essentials: classical music, ferns, the books. Then we can start to bounce back, and climb back out of the blackness, feeling stronger, calmer. 

Who is my Helen of Troy now, imprisoned in London? Is it Pamela? Or Melani? Maybe yet Jolanda?

And now the tooth ache returns. So that is two urgent appointments I must now make for next week. Now I am frightened to eat anything as well as wanting to close my eyes all the time.

***

To help deal with the pain I will try to get recordings of Phedre by both Rameau and Britten…and something of Rosa Ponselle. I escape from the misery of my life into opera. From the misery of my eye problems, and my teeth problems. From the misery of the “catastrophes of love”. It is transcendence. It is entering the Kingdom of Death, in love with Princess Mort. It is stepping through the mirror that turns into water, and escaping from the world. I am happiest in the Kingdom of Death, where the skies are always black & there is no sun. The white ruins are lit by a spectral light only. There I can meet the Kaiserin on her marble throne. I can meet Rosa Ponselle and Maria Callas. How can I explain that to people who keep asking if I am “all right”, because I seem “very quiet”? Just all go away and leave me alone, please. It is floating on my back on a lake in a steaming palmhouse, amid the palm fronds and giant lilypads, listening to Herodiade Fragments on the ancient gramophone. Somewhere in the steam my odalisques wander, and stroll, and lounge, and fuck. Suffering makes us soulful, suffering makes us spiritual. We grow lovely out of our longing, wrote Henriette Hardenberg. Longing for freedom makes us beautiful. I lie still and fearless as you enter.

Search for the Ponselle James A Drake biography in Foyles and the Charing Cross Road second hand places.

Remember those incredible dramatic hours spent watching Jolanda dancing to Nick Cave’s Red Right Hand or the Ding-Ding-Dong song?! That is when sex dancing becomes magical, up there with Anita Berber or Mata Hari or Josephine Baker. Pink touched these heights, too, as did Janet [Material Girl! Objection!] at the Scotsman, and Sylvia. Sex dancers who create a real drama, a real sense of menace almost, erotic menace, when they are on the stage. When you suddenly feel you are sheltering from a thunderstorm and lashes of lightning outside and this primal moment watching this woman on this stage is the most important moment of your life, and when it finishes nothing will ever be the same again. My eyes are always going to wear out from time to time as I spend so much of my time, and money, gazing. The sex dancers and whores who have burned themselves onto my retina! The Tallulahs and Esmeraldas who my eyes will never forget.

I wake at 9 dreaming of fantastic whores (3rd June 2006)

I wake at 9 dreaming of fantastic whores. Clarisse in Brussels, Alla & Olga in Berlin, Martina in Nuremberg, the green swimsuit whore in Brussels, all of whom I did NOT spend money on. Because they would all have been 150-200 Euros, but my god what memories they would have been. Also Andrea the Greek in Soho who I should have spent more time with, and the Egyptian who I should have gone back to time and time again. For all the money I have spent on whores, there are so many I should have spent money on but for some bizarre reason did not. If I was a millionaire. It has been brought home to me tonight that I will never be able to go to those places I always dreamed of, the Greek Islands, Greece, Turkey, Malta, Sicily, and those fantastic huge-breasted soft spreading Mediterranean whores. I will never be able to do that tour of Italy and all those voluptuous over-ripe Italian women. All I care about is whores. I do not regret the flat, and would not give it up for the world, but it is hard to believe I will never be able to travel the world anymore, experiencing all those sexual pleasures. Where can I ever get money from?I have to get more money. In the meantime I must confine myself to London, and Pamela the large-breasted Swedish whore, Demi the black-haired Sicilian. I even think about going back to start f—— Lydia again. Somewhere, too, Andrea the Greek and the Egyptian may be hiding. You just have to knock on the right door on the right day, and they may have been there all along, all this time, without me realising it.

I wake up 245am thinking about my mother so much. Then I think about Pamela (2nd June 2006)

I wake up 245am thinking about my mother so much. Then I think about Pamela. Then I think—Oh those kabins of Berlin & Brussels & Munich! Love of mother, love of woman, love of sex. The three things seem to drive me mad fighting for pre-eminence. I would really like to see Duke Bluebeard and Erwartung tonight, and Phedre if not. Maybe this week has felt so empty because I was avoiding Pamela the one person I have feelings for (especially now that Melani has gone as well). Always head towards what you believe to be the most beautiful thing. Maybe I should try & get home by 12 midday so I can record the Strauss programme. Get the 405 train back but come back to the flat first so I am not drinking for too long before the opera. I want Pamela tonight. Sometimes I can drink so fast, and so easily. I am running so fast, so excited, on such a high. Last night I could not drink. The pint and then two halves went down so slowly. Nothing felt right. I could not stay awake at Ariodante. I was so uninspired. I WANT PAMELA.
You hurt yourself if you try to avoid the thing you have feelings for. Like when I planned to go to Oslo & Copenhagen, when all I really wanted was Viktoriya in Munich.
I always develop feelings for whores. Stupid, I know.
I hope I get really drunk tonight, on such a high, then get really turned on at the opera, and am bursting for Pamela by the time it ends. I want to go crazy tonight.
Why don't I start going to The Sherlock Holmes for one pint always BEFORE I go to the Calcutta? I need to do something new! A slight change of routine. I love my mother so much. What will I do without her?

What an empty night—the second in a row (1st June 2006)

What an empty night—the second in a row. Just one in a boring Calcutta, because Ariodante started at 7. In Handel they sing every phrase six times, with increasing amounts of vibrato, in contrast to the concision & brevity of The Makropulos Case. I couldn’t take any more of it. In the Lemon Tree the one who looks like the daughter but not the massive breasted white T-shirt girl. Had two halves & went back to Calcutta. Nothing doing there either, so I gave up. Then blow me as I was heading out the door, a gorgeous brunette in tight green top with big breasts comes in. I made such deep eye contact with her, that she eventually smiled & said thanks. I so much wanted to go back in to ogle her some more but resisted as I was so hungry. Once again I saw that blonde girl with her bicyclist boyfriend as I was leaving the flat. It is quite uncanny how often I see them. This time I looked deep into her gaze and held it until we said hello & smiled. Home tomorrow, then back for Duke Bluebeard? Where is the excitement? I am hungry for a girlfriend now.