I can only ever write books alone in my cold stoveless rooms (30th July 2006)

I can only ever write books alone in my cold stoveless rooms. This is my mission. Like Nietzsche and Brahms.

A coke and two beers in the Calcutta before up to Sunset (29th July 2006)

A coke and two beers in the Calcutta before up to Sunset. Giselle & Deborah were on first, after Jessica finished, in a double. Deborah is mind-blowing. With a Roman nose which is so sexy, long voluptuous leggy figure, blonde hair. Sat next to her upstairs and I was looking at her back & her black lycra knickers. The cricket was on and she kept saying “Is this baseball?” to the others, and they were laughing and telling her cricket, so she is obviously newly arrived. I stayed for two more Deborah dances, plus Helen, Giselle and Sandra, though I still never feel comfortable there anymore. I had three cans which meant I had already had five before arriving at the Scotsman. I heard —– before I saw her, as usual. As I stood at side to get my first drink, I heard her laughter. I looked up at board and saw she was finishing at 7 and my heart sunk, then I saw she was finishing at 11 as well! The first time round she grabbed hold of my wrist and was biting it, while I kissed her hair. I knew I was going to have to stay and get very drunk. Vicky was on stage as I came from gents & I looked at her directly as I passed. She was friendly, let me kiss her cheek, was smiling and laughing, Layla was there, Sam, Stella. Later —– came round in red bikini and red knickers with thick belt, and as I stood at back & she collected from two guys in front she was wiggling her arse so much at me, like inviting me to grab it. Would she have minded if I had? Then after I put in, and she moved to right side, she wiggled her bum again, and grinned back over her shoulder at me. The last time I needed change from a £5 so asked her how —— was. Who? she said. What’s your boy’s name again? ——. How’s ——? He’s fine! Thank you. And then she was stroking my back so much. Dancing twice to Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy. By the end I was feeling ready to shout at her again. As I came from toilets, she was standing with another girl and two black guys, and clinking glasses with one of them. I could not breathe or speak for jealousy, as I left. I do not remember much after that, except eating two tuna mayos at Charing X on the way home.

Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily (28th July 2006)

Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily. In fact you cannot have one without the other. Berlin Eroticism is different again, as is Munich Eroticism, and Brussels Eroticism. I will always remember Maria in Pour Platin. I will always remember arriving in Vienna at 11pm in the snow. Saybia, Mando Diao,The Libertines, Chemical Brothers, Soulwax.
I am sure Lilith knows I am there from the moment I connect to her room. A look always comes over her face, and is it my imagination but does she always start readjusting her camera, just to give an excuse to look directly into the lens? The moment I logged in under — I am sure I saw her face freeze, as if suddenly desperate not to betray any emotion, but I am sure her heart started beating faster, because she started breathing deeper and faster.

Listening to all this Viennese music—Webern 5 Orchestral Pieces, Joseph Korngold lush late romanticism—makes me think of Vienna (27th July 2006)

Listening to all this Viennese music—Webern 5 Orchestral Pieces, Joseph Korngold lush late romanticism—makes me think of Vienna. Even though I wrote her name small, Maria is surely the most beautiful girl I have ever f—-d. Surely the sexiest. Now I look at all my pictures and think they are in a Vienna hotel room with Vienna just outside. Viennese Eroticism, there is nothing quite like it. Bad Timing. The Night Porter. There’s not many Brazilians in Europe, all Poles, Czechs, Romanians, Ukrainians. A couple of stand out Brazilians in Munich in Patricia and Bella Rosa, it is true. In London it is nearly ALL Brazilians! I should stay in the Radisson SAS in Vienna, if only for the first night.
We are approaching the Lost in Space boundary.
You Don’t Know Me.
********
I am a writer. I am Francis Bacon. I am eccentric and wild.
All that matters is the books, the long journeys across Europe. Writing alone with blue hands in cold stoveless rooms.

This time next week we will be in August (25th July 2006)

This time next week we will be in August, then it will almost be over. It will be 1st August, Lost In Space Day. As I sat in corner at the Calcutta, a man & girl were talking at the corner of the bar, until he left, and she was left there on her own for just 2-3 more minutes, no drink, just hanging there, and I felt kept glancing up at screen & at me. Glanced at her once & she was waiting for it. Uneventful apart from that. Just 6 more hours to get through!!! I cannot wait till I can get back to the Calcutta, and then the Scotsman, then the cinema & maybe Demi. How I miss the old Carnival.

Oh God I miss Munich so much! “The area around the Intercity hotel is slightly seedy” (23rd July 2006)

Oh God I miss Munich so much! “The area around the Intercity hotel is slightly seedy”. Oh God I miss Schillerstraße and Goethestraße at nights! All those neon lights! I miss walking back into the Atlantic City, and Sexyland even! Lamm’s! Oh God I miss Berlin Plaza so much! That Berliner Pils and knesepfanne! That nighttime walk to Sarah Young and Berlin Erotic Centre, and on to Mon Cheri and Golden Gate and Monte Carlo! Or to Ciro! Oh God I miss the Wien Dorint so much! That night time trawl of the Gurtel, Manhattan and Pour Platin! Those white-shirted Dorint girls! Seriously, where am I going to find my sugar daddy to make this possible? A better job—pah! If I moved to ——— for £19.000 I would be working hard all year just to reduce my credit card debt from £6,000 to £4,000, big deal! I need a sudden injection of cash! If Olga lent me £5,000??? It would be a mad adventure. I dread doing it & getting trapped, but I would be inspired to do it because I know it would free me to get back to Munich & Berlin & Vienna.
Oh how I miss sitting in the Café Belge of the Ibis Brussels! Always seemed to meet single women there, not only Nephania! Watching the trams before heading up to Gare du Nord, or Empire. How I miss the Pullman! Those lovely large rooms, especially the corner one that bends right round, or the one with the window in the deep archway.
Olga is a crazy girl & she wants me to be crazier than her. She has nothing to lose; I everything.
Oh God I cannot wait until I can get back to the Calcutta on Wednesday! And then back to the Scotsman! Two places where you can stay for hours on your own & feel completely comfortable. Unlike the Lemon Tree, unfortunately, where I never feel comfortable. I cannot wait to get back to the cinema again, then on to Demi or Pamela.

Raining now, quietly, persistently, steadily. Low rumbles of thunder (23rd July 2006)

Raining now, quietly, persistently, steadily. Low rumbles of thunder. Have to go back after 430, home by 530. Leave at 7. Four more nights of nothingness. My whole life revolves around strippers & whores & pornography.
*********One of those strange periodic feelings that all the girls have been talking about me. —— asking me if I was married, then if I was gay. —— in the morning asking me how old I was, then asking — if he knew how old I was. — said whenever you are not here —— is always asking "Where’s English? Where’s English?" —— hanging around me again in the morning. —— asking me if not interested in cars, what things was I interested in. —— holding on to my jacket, not letting me leave. Apart from that, all uneventful. Blonde ponytail girl in beautiful little black dress on 87, and when she got up to get off with her mother at Charing X I saw what huge bulging breasts she had over the top of the dress. More than anything she reminded me of the doggy-style girl. I watched her walk up the Strand a while then lost her.

All I like doing on my days off now is drinking and watching the girls strip (21st July 2006)

All I like doing on my days off now is drinking and watching the girls strip. There is nothing else. No more cinema. Though I would like to see Taxi Driver at the Empire. And Rebels & Martyrs at the National Gallery.
What name can I give to Sunset Strip? The Cotton Club? The Black Feathers Club? The Tallulah Club?
I am eccentric and wild. I work as a Night Manager in a quiet West End hotel, living like a church mouse. Heavily in debt I spend all my money on drinking & strippers & occasionally whores, while writing my books. Whenever anyone meets me they are concerned and shocked “Are you alright?” “What’s wrong?” “You are unhappy” “You seem distant, and not relaxed?” “Cheer up, mate. It’s not that bad!”
Whenever Jodie Foster’s Tallulah comes on, I feel all the love in the world engulf me. The love of my life that I feel in those places despite the derision that they gradually start to feel for me when they get nothing out of me, how derisive —— is! I feel like going next Tuesday just to spite her. But no, that is not me. The love of being drunk, and increasingly lost in myself. That is when I am happiest, and feel most loved, and comforted. I had to make do with that for the first year of my life. Oh if only I could travel again! To Vienna, Berlin, Brussels, yes even Munich, and Oslo, and Budapest.

How many times I have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory (18th July 2006)

How many times I have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. How many more times have I just looked away when victory was sitting there waiting for me, like with Carol at Sunset. —– & —– at the Scotsman. —–. They all presented themselves to me on a plate. Bus stop girl. “Oh you’re so sweet, do you know that!” pigtail barmaid at the Calcutta.They all just offered themselves to me, while I was minding my own business. Ursula at the Calcutta. When opportunity arises, I go cold, like with Melani, and Lilith. I send them all away.

At No.2 bus stop this morning the same brunette voluptuous girl I've seen before (17th July 2006)

At No.2 bus stop this morning the same brunette voluptuous girl I've seen before who gets the No.74, low cut brown vest, so I can see her tits, long skirt, lots of fat flesh. She is gorgeous. Just going up to 3rd floor, super sexy Saudi girl with bit tits in brown vest long skirt. Just one more night to get through! But….Wednesday is going to be 37ºC. Melanie Elektra Luna at Sunset after 6, but only the Scotsman and cinema for me if anything. Maybe leave it all until Thursday when it might rain. I suppose tomorrow I will wake myself at midday to go home for my haircut? So I am fit for The Nose at ENO Thursday and more importantly The Lemon Tree.

I am pretty far gone aren’t I? (16th July 2006)

I am pretty far gone, aren’t I? Look at my face, the bags under my eyes. The way I cannot talk to people. I am like a drug addict. I have disappeared so far inside myself. It is almost impossible for me to be in a room with other people. I am like a wild child. No wonder people often think I am on drugs. I am a revolutionary at work. I am carrying out a revolution. A subversive one. A Situationist revolution. I am carrying out a Situationist revolution against the whole of society around me.
It is fantastic to be in a porn cinema when a girl comes in. Of course I will keep going to Sunset Cinema after the Bell, prior to Demi. Sex, sordid, sleazy sex, illicit thrills, Godzilla sex, vampire sex, is what I live for. Companionship is not possible, for I am a dead man, a ghost.
My books are my revolutionary texts—AUTISMUS, LOTTA, THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS, and CASANOVA (LOST WANDERINGS).

My afternoon with Olga just brought home to me how white I am (15th July 2006)

My afternoon with Olga just brought home to me how white I am, but also how unhappy I am. From the moment I met her outside — tube she started saying “you are unhappy.” I suppose I am. I live in a constant fog of unhappiness that I have got so used to, I no longer notice it. Only when I am forced to be with people I realise how shocking other people find me. And how white I am. I live in darkness, both literally and metaphorically. Who would I want to be with now? No one. Not Olga. Not Florence. Not Pamela. I only want to be alone. Left alone with my writing the way Munch wanted to be left alone with his pictures. This is a wonderful world for an autistic person. As long as we can indulge it. After getting back to Charing Cross I had a small tuna & mayo with the grinning “how are you?” Alia, and “see you later!”, before dragging myself back into the Calcutta. Only as I got on the 815 train to — I saw the huge voluptuous-titted blonde bouncing past the window, with that almost black lipstick pout she puts on in disgust when she knows men are looking at her tits, yet she always wears those ludicrously low-cut vests, this time green, that show off so much of the tops of her tits. How I would like to touch & taste & f–k those tits. Can you imagine working in the same office as her all day? With those massive knockers exposed in your face all day long? How on Earth would you ever get any work done? Can you imagine turning up for work every day with your massive tits out there on display for everyone to see?

Well Lilith was back on (July 10th 2006)

Well Lilith was back on, but I am back out. She looked gorgeous. Her hair was hanging long for the first time. After what I said after my private with her, you could have least let your hair down for me?????!!!!!! So this time she came on with her hair down, especially for me? She also had red lipstick, and those black mascared eyes. I went up to business centre to log in & I could see she was breathing really heavily, like she was nervous, excited, seeing I had logged in. Just before she disappeared into private with someone, she looked two or three times into the camera, as if saying goodbye to me for the night. There was once again a softer look in her face tonight, no longer the hard tense bitterness that had developed. A soft fond look, from the night I first told her she was the most fascinating girl. She is soft towards me once again? She was also wearing a black top again with red trim this time. Just one more night to get through!

Another call from Olga as I lay cutting up my newspapers (9th July 2006)

Another call from Olga as I lay cutting up my newspapers. I let it ring out, but immediately felt guilty, & texted her back “Oh Olga”. This time I answered. “What you doing Wednesday & Thursday? You come swimming with me?” “Maybe.” “Maybe, or yes?!” “I don’t like swimming, but I like you.” “All right, we will just go outside somewhere.” Thursday. I feel excited. She always turns me on. I always want to lay with her and f–k her. I have loved her since the first time I met her. It has been almost two years now.

Then there is Florence, who I am still addicted to. Then there is Lilith. “When you put your face close to the camera, it is like the greatest thing in the world. It is like the opening bars of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony. Something great has just occurred. Like Norman Mailer wrote about Last Tango in Paris. When Marlon Brando first meets Maria Schneider in the apartment & without warning reaches down & rips her knickers off in one movement, the sound of that tear is as great a moment in Western civilisation as the opening Da-da-da-daas of Beethoven’s 5th Symphony. It is lunacy but beautiful lunacy. When you put your face next to the screen, it is as great. You say you do this for connections. Yet you don’t see the point. Maybe just not with me. You are on a different level to all the other girls. You are iconic. I am scopophile. Erotomane. If you don’t talk, you become a fetish object. We gaze & gaze at you. No one else would be worth gazing at. Your face is addictive. There is more going on in your face & eyes than all the other ‘models’ put together. Men look, and women are looked at. I cannot believe there is anyone on the entire web as worth gazing at as you. You glow in the dark. Like the tip of your night-time cigarette. And the men gather to you, like moths around the flame. And if their wings burn, you know you’re not to blame. Marlene Dietrich. Years ago, I used to go to old cinemas and gaze up at her face like I do to yours now. They say her glory was all down to the lighting. It is clever the way you light yourself as well. You just show us your face & shoulders, and lit by a spotlight. None of the other girls do that. I can scroll down the list of online girls so quickly knowing your face will leap out as soon as I get to it.” Every meeting with Olga is so charged and erotic.
Every meeting with Florence is so charged and erotic. Every meeting with Lilith is so charged and erotic. Demi, too. Melani. To an extent, Sandra, Helen.

Sin, degradation, and despair (8th July 2006)

Sin, degradation, and despair. But enough of the good things in life. I have become so used to you, I no longer like it when the other girls reply to me. I now only become erotically aroused when ignored. When I first talked with Lilith in free, she had no lipstick on, just those black eye shadow & black mascara eyes. After she was whisked away from me into private (maybe she keeps taking herself private to lure me in?), she came back wearing that blood red lipstick again, and looking so beautiful. This time I had to take her private myself. ************No sign of Lilith tonight. I have a quandary. I’d have to be as rich as Croesus to pay $20 a time just for four minutes of conversation with you. Yet you do not talk for free. So what is left? I actually look forward to Sunday night back at work so I can look for her again. Like Orphée into the Underworld.

Finally went private with Lilith (7th July 2006)

Finally went private with Lilith. She was wearing black again, with really black eyes. Really red lips, like she was making an effort. Amazing she let me in at all. Not a smile from her, though. Spent $37 just talking to her. “Maybe the riddle is not supposed to be solved”. When I was talking to her in free, telling her she looked like Kate Moss, someone else kept whisking her into private. I am sure that must have been —, so jealous when anyone else gets on with her. It happened twice. I told her I would send her another email and she replied no ty. You hate me that much. I don’t hate you. I just don’t see the point. I am more hooked then ever. I don’t want to be hooked. I even got a response from Geany. She was wearing those green knickers. I said whenever I see that shade of green I always think of you. And she started smiling. I then said green how I love you green. And she replied hahah, whether that was sarcastic or not I do not know. She said she was Romanian yet she seems to talk fluent Spanish, so maybe she does know Lorca.

As good as Wednesday was, Thursday was bad (6th July 2006)

As good as Wednesday was, Thursday was bad. It was ever thus. I was strangely not in the mood for Sunset. Stacey & Helen sitting at bar as I stood between them waiting to get my drink when I arrived, Samantha, Giselle, Daniella, Lana, but I felt uncomfortable & awkward. Had four Fosters before going up to the Scotsman but it was the worst line up ever, not one worth staying for. I could only finish about a third of my pint and left again! I felt like going straight home but felt I would feel like it had been a missed opportunity if I sat at home all Thursday night, so forced myself back to the cinema for the same films. It was a mistake. The same films never seem so sexy second time around. Resisted the thought of forcing myself to Francesca as well, and came home via a KFC, another mistake, and a tuna & mayo roll. The blonde girl grinned at me so much as I approached and said “tuna mayo!” As I left I said cheers, and she looked up at me with the most gorgeous huge grin and a “cheers brother!” Someone likes me at least. At the start, I finally made it to the Courtauld–what treasures! At the 87 bus stop going home, lovely big voluptuous Eurasian/Kazakh?-looking girl was looking how to get to Leicester Square so I told her, but as I was demonstrating & explaining, she pressed her huge-breasted voluptuous body in blue T-shirt & jeans right up close to me, and our bodies kept bouncing against each other. It was so erotic & she was hot.

I walked all the way to Romilly Street with such a big cock rolling in my trousers (6th July 2006)

I walked all the way to Romilly Street with such a big cock rolling in my trousers & came away from there with an even bigger one, and then again coming from cinema to look for Demi. It was massive & ridiculous but felt so good. I did so much walking last night. From sunset to Romilly, from Romilly to Sunset, from Sunset to cinema, from cinema to Romilly, from Romilly back to cinema again, from cinema to Pamela. Passing Revuebar there was two scantily clad sexy girls in the foyer—what is that place now? I will look more closely tonight. Also in that alleyway, huge voluptuous blonde looking to pick someone up with very direct eye contact with me. What a sexy steamy, voluptuous night it was! What does tonight hold? It cannot compete with last night I think. —— came on in that black silk Chinese-looking outfit that Becky used to wear. Very Fu Manchu. A high night of big women–and I haven’t even been to the Lemon Tree for ages! Maybe have one there tonight? There will be tennis to watch?

This is Fu Manchu weather (5th July 2006)

This is Fu Manchu weather. Black, steamy, hot and humid, but raining all the time. A permanent mist of rain in the hot, steamy conditions. It is like being in Phnom Penh. This is Cambodia weather.

Two in the Calcutta with white shirt Katerina with no eye contact. Sylvie was first on in Sunset followed by Jolanda. Nina was next. She is so much like Melani, but Melani is Nina x100. Nina does not turn me on though she is so beautiful. Also there Angelina, and doing the middle shift, Sandra. A quiet small brunette but she was so sexy! She made eye contact with me a lot & really turned me on. I left about 5 because it is so empty on early shift I feel uncomfortable. At the Scotsman was ——. After dancing she marched straight to back & sat down with me again. I bought her another red bull. She was so sexy in little red tartan bra & knickers only. Drinking so much so quickly on empty stomach I was feeling randier than normal, and when she left to collect, & asked me to keep her drink safe for her, I stroked her bum and had a good feel of it. She looked at me in mock shock but she was so sexy on stage. While she was dancing however, a huge voluptuous red haired girl came in with two blokes to talk to Tina. They exchanged numbers & then she came & sat where —— had been sitting, so I could get a good side on look at her. Those tits are the most massive I have ever seen in my life. Her arse was practically hanging out of her jeans & that was massive as well. She glanced at me a few times. If she ever danced there I would die with pleasure. It would be the greatest striptease I have ever seen in my life. Knocking even fat bottomed silver dressed girl at Carnival into the shade. They were like zeppelins. Looking past her, —— suddenly seemed so ridiculously small. —— came back for her drink & found the girl there & was then in animated conversation with her & they exhanged numbers as well. After that —— came & had a drink with another man sitting at the side bar in front of me. After collecting —— sidled up to me again, whispering a drink, vodka & coke. After she finished I bought it for her & she came & collected in by the gents but just walked off with it & stood talking to other men with my drink in her hands! Vicki was quite friendly, not scowling at least. Stella smiled hello as she passed me by the gents, but I don’t think I stayed long enough to see her dance, or Kelly (E).

I went back to look for Francesca but she was busy, so I went back to Sunset for Lana & Nikita, the end of Elektra, and one more from Sandra before she left at 9. I watched most of the France v Portugal second half then went to Sunset Cinema. The films were great. Magma Swing Party, Nympho Nurses Naughty, and Titten Alarm 17—all German films!—plus Fresh Meat 18. I thought I was turned on enough so I went back to Francesca. She lived up to her description. Her breasts are sensational. She is pretty enough as well. For an extra £5 I got her to turn over but still could not come. She offered a hand job AND TOOK THE CONDOM OFF TO GIVE IT! It is true, she lets you come over her tits just like that. Still I could not come, so I apologised & kissed her goodbye. She works Tuesday to Saturday but only to 10PM. I will for sure go back many times.

I went back to the cinema again for more of the great films. Upstairs was bald man with pretty brunette girl from last week but they do not seem to do much. This time I was ready to explode, & though I wanted to carry on watching the films, I made my way to Demi, but another girl was there, Savannah. She was pretty but £30. I was tempted but she walked off angrily, so her attitude turned me off though her body was great. I went back to Pamela. It was so nice sucking her tits and the edge of her nipples at least. I could not stop sucking and love biting her. For £25 she turned over & I came very nicely again. I made her lay with me for just a couple of minutes, but could not stop laughing for some reason. She did not stay with me as I got dressed this time. I was too drunk to ask her anything. I came home after that. There was a sexy brown ponytail girl stood behind me at bus stop then she came & sat in the corner seat just beneath me, in little pink vest & I could not help keep looking down at her cleavage & her face, and she knew I was looking & I think liked it. She got off W Road just before me. Sitting in back seat opposite me our knees touching was most beautiful blonde in long skirt, jacket over little green top, with nice big tits & cleavage on show. I grabbed a few ogles & she was so beautiful. On the next corner seat was the purple blouse girl from before! In brown leather jacket, low cut shirt with tops of breasts visible, and tight brown skirt. Red lips. She was so sexy. Sitting side on ready to get off she knew I was looking at her so much.

All in all, a very sexy night. A night of a thousand breasts, and a dozen super-voluptuous vixens. Jolanda, red head at the Scotsman, Francesca, Pamela, girls at bus stop & on bus. Sandra.