I am lonely so I like to be surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women in nothing but their bras & knickers & corsets while I drink myself to death. Sometimes we smile & flirt a little bit but whenever I get too close they move away, or whenever they get too close I move away. How lovely to stand in the corner watching the football with M-- just a foot away from me talking to the other man, so I could gaze & gaze at the lovely voluptuous arse cupped in those white cami-shorts. The night before when L-- had stood in the same place and I could gaze at her even more voluptuous arse in nothing but a g-string under black see through top. The power of the gaze, John Berger. How lovely to have some hot eye contact with scantily clad women like A--, H--, M--, and --. I am a disappointment to girls, when they discover I have nothing to say. I am lost in my own dreamworld, my own underworld. I cannot be roused out of it. I will always be the lost boy. I think -- is still fond of me. I think she still has tenderness & affection for me. When you are a loner, and have lived in your own world so long, it is hard to give it up, even when you want to. This was Will Penny's problem. This was Stephane's problem. This was Peter Pan's problem.
It was quite strange that C——- was there last night but —— wasn’t. She was nice to me, smiling and laughing and asking if I was OK. J—— is always lovely to me. A—– was giving me such hot looks. M——‘s look, and comment to Helena. “Hello trouble”. I am Aschenbach in Death in Venice. Because I want you some more. I want you some more. I really wanted someone, but tortured by my own repression, I did not act, and missed my chance. I am drowning in booze since I got my own flat, but at least I am doing something. After sucking my ear, C—— let me touch her arse again, and then stood so close to me while collecting from the men behind me that her bum was still resting against me. The great value of the flat to me is that I can just be alone and silent here. I consider a day wasted if I cannot spend it in solitude and silence.
Despair & depression. This is how Noodles felt after he saw Deborah off at the railway station & went back to his opium den. This is how Stephane felt as he sits at the cafe table & watches Camille drive off for the last time. I deliberately destroyed my relationship with —– to stay safe. Like Noodles I am a gentle & tender man, and yet I act animalistically, like the way he rapes Tuesday Weld on the bank raid. It is the only way I know how to relate to women. Broken and empty. I want to take all my comforters back to the flat with me; my Hart Crane, my little black diary.
A lot of the girls like me but I never do anything. —– was the only one who got close. It is like I wanted to remain unknown even though I was tempted.
No comments:
Post a Comment