I wake up 245am thinking about my mother so much. Then I think about Pamela (2nd June 2006)

I wake up 245am thinking about my mother so much. Then I think about Pamela. Then I think—Oh those kabins of Berlin & Brussels & Munich! Love of mother, love of woman, love of sex. The three things seem to drive me mad fighting for pre-eminence. I would really like to see Duke Bluebeard and Erwartung tonight, and Phedre if not. Maybe this week has felt so empty because I was avoiding Pamela the one person I have feelings for (especially now that Melani has gone as well). Always head towards what you believe to be the most beautiful thing. Maybe I should try & get home by 12 midday so I can record the Strauss programme. Get the 405 train back but come back to the flat first so I am not drinking for too long before the opera. I want Pamela tonight. Sometimes I can drink so fast, and so easily. I am running so fast, so excited, on such a high. Last night I could not drink. The pint and then two halves went down so slowly. Nothing felt right. I could not stay awake at Ariodante. I was so uninspired. I WANT PAMELA.
You hurt yourself if you try to avoid the thing you have feelings for. Like when I planned to go to Oslo & Copenhagen, when all I really wanted was Viktoriya in Munich.
I always develop feelings for whores. Stupid, I know.
I hope I get really drunk tonight, on such a high, then get really turned on at the opera, and am bursting for Pamela by the time it ends. I want to go crazy tonight.
Why don't I start going to The Sherlock Holmes for one pint always BEFORE I go to the Calcutta? I need to do something new! A slight change of routine. I love my mother so much. What will I do without her?