My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am but also how unhappy I am (15th July 2006)

My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am, but also how unhappy I am. From the moment I met her outside -- tube she started saying “you are unhappy”. I suppose I am. I live in a constant fog of unhappiness that I have got so used to I no longer notice it. Only when I am forced to be with people, I realise how shocking other people find me. And how white I am. I live in darkness, both literally and metaphorically. Who would I want to be with now? No one. Not Lydia. Not —–. Not Pamela. I only want to be alone. Left alone with my writing the way Munch wanted to be left alone with his pictures. This is a wonderful world for an autistic person. As long as we can indulge it. After getting back to Charing X from --, I had a small tuna & mayo with the grinning “how are you?” Alia, and “see you later!”, before dragging myself back into the Calcutta. Only as I got on the 815 train I saw the huge voluptuous titted blonde bouncing past the window, with that almost black lipstick pout she puts on in disgust when she knows men are looking at her tits, yet she always wears those ludicrously low cut vests, this time green, that show off so much of the tops of her tits. How I would like to touch & taste & f–k those tits.

You could say I have got worse, and I am like someone who has given up and will try no more; or you could say I have got better. I am more myself now. I am purer. I have gone deeper into myself, and deeper into nothingness. And that is where I long to be and where I love to be.

Even Thursday I felt so bored in the cinema, despite Tittenalarm 18, UNTIL the blonde came in with the man, and was kissing him, and her knees drawn up so he could finger her and all the men in the seats in front were turning & looking up her. That suddenly was SO hot and sexy. I had to leave in a hurry because I wanted to explode straightaway with Demi, but still she is gone for another two weeks, so I went with Francesca, just in the one position and came easily. I will not go back. Demi will be the next one I go to. The Sunset rota is up but I just feel totally sated by it now. I would rather go see Taxi Driver and the Romanian film. I have to stop my spending now.