I love Pamela but cannot have her. Another unrequited love in my life, after —–. At least with Pamela there is no madness, no great missed opportunity to torment me. There is just a sadness, when being with her is so lovely, she is so voluptuous and beautiful, it is so hard to come away. I will not see her again for a long time, I think. It is pointless, crazy, like it became with Lydia. And I am getting missed calls from her again, on the 9th, 10th, and 12th.
I was running late so did not get to the Calcutta till 540, I took the box seat and found the Calcutta Belle & her man already sitting there. She was sitting facing me & it was hard to resist looking at her in the mirror. I left just after 6, after just one, as she was putting her coat on to leave as well. I got to the Scotsman just as —— was coming back to collect from some men she had missed first time but did not approach me, yet when she got on stage she was looking at me with little smiles. Sam, Crystal, Lucky. Alison, Cindy, Kelly, Cristina finishing at 7 same as Arleni. Holland v England was on which saved me some money.
—— served me first with a little smile. It did seem very busy in there; I wonder if people had been reading my recommendations! It was great to see Lucky & Alison again, but nothing else, and I left after 3. Felt so steaming mad, and bad-tempered on the bus, just from the despair and unhappiness of my life. Would have loved a Dionysus but resisted. Looked in Sunset Cinema but could not be bothered, just wanted to see Pamela. £47. Finally understood now it will always be no. Sadness. She is so good to hold, and talk to. Her dog is a terrier, called —. “He loves me”.
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