I shut out all the people who try to love me (16th Sept 2006)

I shut out all the people who try to love me. Florence, mother. I just feel this deadness, and I cling onto this deadness for dear life. Being brought back to life is terrifying. I hurt myself rather than let a girl bring me back to life. I cannot believe I dedicate myself so totally to getting drunk when there was something special like Florence waiting for me. I preferred to concentrate on the drink, and let Florence go. You Never Call Me When You’re Sober. You only want it cos it’s over. It’s over. Well done. I kept myself safe, so Florence could not get in. I feel so down now, 3:22 in the morning. Ten Miles Infernal. Shakira Hips Don’t Lie. Florence was always such a happy thing. She always looks so unhappy when I am there now, so uncomfortable. No happiness in this life. I bring unhappiness to all people who try to love me. Because I am cold, and I stay cold. I am ice. I am high in the cold icy air of the mountains, weeping, writing with blue shaking hands in cold stoveless rooms.

Munich Editors. I have to go before 2pm because of the Scissor Sisters concert in Trafalgar Square. Wouldn’t you like to go to the concert? No. All I care about is writing, drinking, and watching girls take their clothes off while dancing to loud music. I remember how unhappy I made B Rosa, too. Patricia, too. Susi, too. I am so cold. I shut people out and get shut out by them. Maybe I can come back home Tuesday afternoon and spend all week here again. Florence must have been thinking about my snub for the whole two weeks, because as soon as I came in she was looking to make eye contact with me and when she did, she straightaway put her finger to her lips. If we cannot make each other happy, then we can at least make each other unhappy. That is our relationship.

Addicted to opium and alcohol. I insist on the primacy of my own experience. My own vision. I can only be alone. I can only be in cold icy mountains.

Don’t be unhappy, be happy! Think what immense power you have got! You have made the great separation & now live for pure priapism. You have got money. Winter is coming. I can go to the Bell, the Cotton Club, Cotton Club Cinema, Demi and Pamela. In January I can go to Berlin. This is going to be a season of the flesh. It is funny when I got the flat I thought now I can go to the Bell & this time talk to the girls & ask them to come home with me, and that is exactly what happened, and I could have had a relationship with Florence–but threw it away. The one thing I said I wanted.
I have got a nice little job I enjoy. I have got money coming in. I have got my own little nest. I have got a week off in December and another week off in January to go to Berlin, for La Traviata and Carmina Burana.

“Where do you live actually?” said Pamela to me. The discipline of saving money is actually a really exciting one. It has made the Bell more exciting for me. It will no doubt make the Cotton Club more exciting for me eventually. I love the things I have got away with in the past, the things I get away with now, the things I will get away with in the future.

I have got my book-lined London home, filled with ferns, and classical music. I live like a church mouse in a little hotel earning the money to write my books, while enjoying the girls taking their knickers off to loud music, and travelling a couple of times a year to Berlin. I am still sad about Florence. Do what you want with your genitals, otherwise you will regret it when you’re dead.

How when I watch Eminem’s Ass Like That or Shake That Ass videos, or Jon Bon Jovi’s Queen of New Orleans, or Korn’s Word Up, it makes me so much want to to get back to the strip club. To the Bell or Cotton Club (nowhere else in London!), Atlantic City. It rarely is as hot and exciting as it looks in the videos, although Saturdays are best–anywhere. Empire, Atlantic City, Bell or Cotton, Saturday nights are the wildest and best. If I spend all my money on that, and my life revolves around that, then going to a pornographic cinema after that and Esmeralda to finish, why not? If that is what you like doing, and that is what gives you the most pleasure then that is absolutely what you should continue doing, with joy! I was walking along ——– platform, remembering the excitement I feel when I am starting one of my travels & heading off to Eurostar. How exciting that is. But at the same time what dulls the excitement completely is if I travel knowing that I already owe £6,000 and I really cannot afford to be doing it, then that completely diminishes the excitement. That is why this hibernation is necessary before I can even consider going to Berlin in the New Year.