What an empty night—the second in a row (1st June 2006)

What an empty night—the second in a row. Just one in a boring Calcutta, because Ariodante started at 7. In Handel they sing every phrase six times, with increasing amounts of vibrato, in contrast to the concision & brevity of The Makropulos Case. I couldn’t take any more of it. In the Lemon Tree the one who looks like the daughter but not the massive breasted white T-shirt girl. Had two halves & went back to Calcutta. Nothing doing there either, so I gave up. Then blow me as I was heading out the door, a gorgeous brunette in tight green top with big breasts comes in. I made such deep eye contact with her, that she eventually smiled & said thanks. I so much wanted to go back in to ogle her some more but resisted as I was so hungry. Once again I saw that blonde girl with her bicyclist boyfriend as I was leaving the flat. It is quite uncanny how often I see them. This time I looked deep into her gaze and held it until we said hello & smiled. Home tomorrow, then back for Duke Bluebeard? Where is the excitement? I am hungry for a girlfriend now.

I can never seem to contemplate my approaching days off without thinking only of strippers (22nd May 2006)

I can never seem to contemplate my approaching days off without thinking only of strippers. I am addicted. They are my fix that I have to have every week. I suppose it is an improvement that I am now going just once a week, to Sunset Strip, rather than the three or four times a week as I was to the Scotsman. I make up the slack with Sunset Cinema and Pamela, however. The intensity of the last couple of weeks, Melani & Elektra & Sunset & Pamela on Wednesdays, followed by ENO and the Lemon Tree barmaid on Thursdays make it a very powerful drug, a very powerful fix, and means the addiction is getting worse. After such highs I keep needing at least the same highs, and then always more. So how can I just go home this week! Of course I will need Melani on Wednesday and of course I will need the Old Axe and White Horse on Friday and maybe even ENO as well.

I have got to pull myself together. But when have I ever been any different? (19th May 2006)

I have got to pull myself together. But when have I ever been any different? I go from one addictive behaviour to another. If I don't go to Black Hole of Calcutta, I go to Sunset and Sunset Cinema and Pamela; if I don’t do that I go to the ENO and ogle The Lemon Tree barmaids in the intervals. All my life has been lost to the grip of addictive & obsessive behaviour. Because I am lost. I need a secure, loving relationship with a partner. Who are the current contenders? Melani or Pamela. I love it when I am at my lowest, because then I can write most bleakly & most starkly. Then I can write in blood, in cold, stoveless rooms with blue hands. There is so much pain inside me. That sounds melodramatic but I do not know what else to say. I am a vessel brimming over with pain. I long to be able to talk to my mother. I long for Melani or Pamela. If I died tomorrow my mother would not know the first thing about me. I record the pain of my life. I record the loneliness of my life*******Oh, but I have such soft feelings for Melani. ************ Who are the women in my life now? Melani, the Lemon Tree barmaid, the bus stop girl, Pamela, Demi. ************ Like it or not, my relationships with whores are the most important of my life: Lydia, Iga, Riccarda, Viktoriya, Diana, Ana Maria, Lela, Pamela --- all had a massive impact on my life (and all had a's at the end of their name). Not to mention the dancers, --, Anya, Sylvia. It's only when you go too far, you suddenly find yourself on a cliff, teetering over a precipice, like the Justice Palace in Brussels. Wasn't the time I spent with Pamela worth every minute? As was all the time I spent with Ana, and Lela, and Iga & Riccarda & Diana & Viktoriya & Irina. That debt figure of 5,000 has a whole lot of pleasure & joy in it. ************ All this money I have spent in the past 2 weeks was absolutely vital. It could not have been otherwise. I had to see Melani both times, I had to go to 20 minutes with Pamela, and then to 30 minutes. I had to go to La Belle Helene and The Makropulos Case. So what am I to reproach myself for? I had to go with Demi. I had to go to The Lemon Tree. It was obsessive, but I enjoyed all of it. All of it was intense. The debt I am running and pushing is absolutely essential money well spent. As I always say, I could be struck by lightning tomorrow, and what use to me if I tightened my belt and lived like a monk for a year just to owe zero pounds on my credit cards? I could don my hairshirt for two years and never go out, reducing my credit card to zero, then released to enjoy myself again, step outside the house & be struck by a lightning bolt. What then the use of those two years saving money & being a good boy? Better to always run a debt & keep having amazing experiences.

The Makropulos Case was good (18th May 2006)

The Makropulos Case was good. One of the best things I have seen at the ENO in 14 years. Each act was very short with two intervals which meant I could go down to the Lemon Tree three times! The first time I went in and in corner of my eye I saw the white top barmaid from before bending over, this time not in a open shirt but a tight white T-shirt over straining bra. My eyes popped out of my head, my heart burst out of my chest, my cock burst out of my trousers. I admired her very much every time she went collecting glasses. The second time I went for a half the two girls were talking & when I caught their attention white top did a pose, as if to say oh sir how can I help you! She was so red hot. Her hair was up in a ponytail this time but I am sure it is the same one. The sexiest barmaid in London. The Lemon Tree does it every time. I will definitely go back to see The Makropulos Case again, just so I can go back to the Lemon Tree. I have spent £462 in two weeks. There can be no more Pamela or cinema. I don’t know. I feel crazy about all the money I am spending now. I must get my life in order.

I am proud of being anti-social. That is an important thing to say (11th May 2006)

I am proud of being anti-social. That is an important thing to say. I am proud of the way I am. I am different but that is OK. Massive-breasted girl in tight white blouse behind Lemon Tree bar. Brown bob, sexy, deep valley of cleavage. Her blouse is so tight the left nipple pokes through so clearly. How fucking sexy. I should drink here before going to whore & I would come every time. And as usual, so many huge-breasted girls in the pub as well. Another brown-haired girl in tight white blouse absolutely tearing open with the size of her breasts. Opera is about sex as I always said. The two tarty girls in red & black in La Belle Helene were so horny, and the huge-breasted chorus brunette in pink, and the other bouncy breast chorus girl in yellow bikini. The sexiest thing at ENO for years.