I feel an almost physical revulsion at the thought of going back to Sunset and Demi and Pamela [13th Sept 2006]

I feel an almost physical revulsion at the thought of going back to Sunset and Demi and Pamela. But what else is there, so I will eventually. When I know the pleasures I have felt in those places felt so intense. I feel a physical revulsion for going back to those nighttime Vienna places and the nighttime Berlin places. I feel a physical revulsion for spending any money when I am in this saving mode. That is good. I have become allergic to spending money when before I seemed addicted to it. I feel an almost physical revulsion for women. I am a strange man. How can -- or anyone have a relationship with a strange man like me. I am like Ralph Fiennes Spider. I only learnt how to be alone when I was a baby, and I always will be. I love places where I can be alone surrounded by loud pounding music and naked girls, that is why I love the dream world of the Scotsman and Sunset Strip so much. It is the ultimate detachment. The ultimate transcendency. The ultimate lens. The ultimate gateway to the state of bliss that is the Kingdom of Death. Ultimate nothingness. --'s finger to the lips in a hushing gesture seems a very big moment. That nervousness so intense I cannot breathe as the train nears Nuremberg & as I got off and walk along the corridor to the entrance hall, and the nervousness I felt so intense I could not breathe as i went down the steps at the Astral, I now feel when I walk to the Scotsman from the north from the 91 stop. I feel it too when I enter Sunset Cinema, hoping to find a woman being monickered, and also when I go up the models' steps. That is the high. That is the drug.

On way home same big breast girl got on Wandsworth Road (19th July 2006)

On way home, same big breast girl got on Wandsworth Road. Looked at her in profile, blue vest.Till she came towards me & sat in back corner, giving me a really good look at her big cleavage. Got an erection. She sat in corner half turned towards me, then made a big play of turning right towards me to untie her ipod.**************Had coke & two beers in the Calcutta. It was so hot in there, and so black. Joked with Hossain about it. After my coke, he said “oh that was just your starter?” Sexy big brunette in brown vest & skirt came in with boyfriend but left because too hot. Up to the Bell. Fantastic Arctic Monkeys Vampires song in the Calcutta followed by long extended throbbing intro to Madonna’s Hung Up. A depressing return to Sunset. Waited & waited for Melani to arrive downstairs & it was only after buying my second Fosters I saw her name was not on rota. Quite empty because it was so hot. Looked in cinema, Voyeur 18 but not much else. I’ll check it on internet if I go home tonight then can go back for it Friday if necessary. Low key day.  Two in Calcutta, two in the Scotsman, two in Sunset.

I am pretty far gone aren’t I? (16th July 2006)

I am pretty far gone, aren’t I? Look at my face, the bags under my eyes. The way I cannot talk to people. I am like a drug addict. I have disappeared so far inside myself. It is almost impossible for me to be in a room with other people. I am like a wild child. No wonder people often think I am on drugs. I am a revolutionary at work. I am carrying out a revolution. A subversive one. A Situationist revolution. I am carrying out a Situationist revolution against the whole of society around me.

It is fantastic to be in a pornographic cinema when a girl comes in. Of course I will keep going to Sunset Cinema after the Bell, prior to Demi. Sex, sordid, sleazy sex, illicit thrills, Godzilla sex, vampire sex, is what I live for. Companionship is not possible, for I am a dead man, a ghost.

My books are my revolutionary texts—AUTISMUS, LOTTA, THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS, and CASANOVA (LOST WANDERINGS).

My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am but also how unhappy I am (15th July 2006)

My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am, but also how unhappy I am. From the moment I met her outside -- tube she started saying “you are unhappy”. I suppose I am. I live in a constant fog of unhappiness that I have got so used to I no longer notice it. Only when I am forced to be with people, I realise how shocking other people find me. And how white I am. I live in darkness, both literally and metaphorically. Who would I want to be with now? No one. Not Lydia. Not —–. Not Pamela. I only want to be alone. Left alone with my writing the way Munch wanted to be left alone with his pictures. This is a wonderful world for an autistic person. As long as we can indulge it. After getting back to Charing X from --, I had a small tuna & mayo with the grinning “how are you?” Alia, and “see you later!”, before dragging myself back into the Calcutta. Only as I got on the 815 train I saw the huge voluptuous titted blonde bouncing past the window, with that almost black lipstick pout she puts on in disgust when she knows men are looking at her tits, yet she always wears those ludicrously low cut vests, this time green, that show off so much of the tops of her tits. How I would like to touch & taste & f–k those tits.

You could say I have got worse, and I am like someone who has given up and will try no more; or you could say I have got better. I am more myself now. I am purer. I have gone deeper into myself, and deeper into nothingness. And that is where I long to be and where I love to be.

Even Thursday I felt so bored in the cinema, despite Tittenalarm 18, UNTIL the blonde came in with the man, and was kissing him, and her knees drawn up so he could finger her and all the men in the seats in front were turning & looking up her. That suddenly was SO hot and sexy. I had to leave in a hurry because I wanted to explode straightaway with Demi, but still she is gone for another two weeks, so I went with Francesca, just in the one position and came easily. I will not go back. Demi will be the next one I go to. The Sunset rota is up but I just feel totally sated by it now. I would rather go see Taxi Driver and the Romanian film. I have to stop my spending now. 

As good as Wednesday was Thursday was bad (6th July 2006)

As good as Wednesday was, Thursday was bad. It was ever thus. I was strangely not in the mood for Sunset. Stacey & Helen sitting at bar as I stood between them waiting to get my drink when I arrived, Samantha, Giselle, Daniella, Lana, but I felt uncomfortable & awkward. Had four Fosters before going up to the Scotsman but it was the worst line up ever, not one worth staying for. I could only finish about a third of my pint and left again! I felt like going straight home but felt I would feel like it had been a missed opportunity if I sat at home all Thursday night, so forced myself back to the cinema for the same films. It was a mistake. The same films never seem so sexy second time around. Resisted the thought of forcing myself to Francesca as well, and came home via a KFC, another mistake, and a tuna & mayo roll. The blonde girl grinned at me so much as I approached and said “tuna mayo!”. As I left I said cheers, and she looked up at me with the most gorgeous huge grin and a “cheers brother!”. Someone likes me at least. At the start, I finally made it to the Courtauld–what treasures! At the 87 bus stop going home to pick up my dirty washing, lovely big voluptuous Eurasian/Kazakh? looking girl was looking how to get to Leicester Square so I told her, but as I was demonstrating & explaining, she pressed her huge breasted voluptuous body in blue T-shirt & jeans right up close to me, and our bodies kept bouncing against each other. It was so erotic & she was hot.

This is Fu Manchu weather (5th July 2006)

This is Fu Manchu weather. Black, steamy, hot and humid, but raining all the time. A permanent mist of rain in the hot, steamy conditions. It is like being in Phnom Penh. This is Cambodia weather. Two in the Calcutta with white shirt Katerina with no eye contact. Sylvie was first on in Sunset followed by Jolanda. Nina was next. She is so much like Melani, but Melani is Nina x100. Nina does not turn me on though she is so beautiful. Also there Angelina, and doing the middle shift, Sandra. A quiet small brunette but she was so sexy! She made eye contact with me a lot & really turned me on. I left about 5 because it is so empty on early shift I feel uncomfortable. 

At the Scotsman was ——. After dancing she marched straight to back & sat down with me again. I bought her another Red Bull. She was so sexy in little red tartan bra & knickers only. Drinking so much so quickly on empty stomach I was feeling randier than normal, and when she left to collect, & asked me to keep her drink safe for her, I stroked her bum and had a good feel of it. She looked at me in mock shock but she was so sexy on stage. While she was dancing however, a huge voluptuous red haired girl came in with two blokes to talk to Tina. They exchanged numbers & then she came & sat where —— had been sitting, so I could get a good side on look at her. Those tits are the most massive I have ever seen in my life. Her arse was practically hanging out of her jeans & that was massive as well. She glanced at me a few times. If she ever danced there I would die with pleasure. It would be the greatest striptease I have ever seen in my life. Knocking even fat-bottomed silver-dressed girl at Carnival into the shade. They were like zeppelins. Looking past her, —— suddenly seemed so ridiculously small. —— came back for her drink & found the girl there & was then in animated conversation with her & they exchanged numbers as well. After that —— came & had a drink with another man sitting at the side bar in front of me. After collecting —— sidled up to me again, whispering "a drink? Vodka & coke". After she finished I bought it for her & she came & collected in by the gents but just walked off with it & stood talking to other men with my drink in her hands!

Vicki was quite friendly, not scowling at least. Stella smiled hello as she passed me by the gents, but I don’t think I stayed long enough to see her dance, or Kelly (Enlgish). 

I went back to look for Francesca but she was busy, so I went back to Sunset for Lana & Nikita, the end of Elektra, and one more from Sandra before she left at 9. I watched most of the France v Portugal second half then went to Sunset Cinema. The films were great. Magma Swing Party, Nympho Nurses Naughty, and Tittenalarm 17—all German films!—plus Fresh Meat 18. I thought I was turned on enough so I went back to Francesca. She lived up to her description. Her breasts are sensational. She is pretty enough as well. For an extra £5 I got her to turn over but still could not come. She offered a hand job AND TOOK THE CONDOM OFF TO GIVE IT! It is true, she lets you come over her tits just like that. Still I could not come, so I apologised & kissed her goodbye. She works Tuesday to Saturday but only to 10PM. I will for sure go back many times. 

I went back to the cinema again for more of the great films. Upstairs was bald bloke with pretty brunette girl from last week but they do not seem to do much. This time I was ready to explode, & though I wanted to carry on watching the films, I made my way to Demi, but another girl was there, Savannah. She was pretty but £30. I was tempted but she walked off angrily, so her attitude turned me off though her body was great. I went back to Pamela. It was so nice sucking her tits and the edge of her nipples at least. I could not stop sucking and love biting her. For £25 she turned over & I came very nicely again. I made her lay with me for just a couple of minutes, but could not stop laughing for some reason. She did not stay with me as I got dressed this time. I was too drunk to ask her anything. I came home after that. There was a sexy brown ponytail girl stood behind me at bus stop then she came & sat in the corner seat just beneath me, in little pink vest & I could not help keep looking down at her cleavage & her face, and she knew I was looking & I think liked it. She got off Wandsworth Road just before me. Sitting in back seat opposite me our knees touching was most beautiful blonde in long skirt, jacket over little green top, with nice big tits & cleavage on show. I grabbed a few ogles & she was so beautiful. On the next corner seat was the purple blouse girl from before! In brown leather jacket, low cut shirt with tops of breasts visible, and tight brown skirt. Red lips. She was so sexy. Sitting side on ready to get off she knew I was looking at her so much. All in all, a very sexy night. A night of a thousand breasts, and a dozen super-voluptuous vixens. Jolanda, redhead at the Scotsman, Francesca, Pamela, girls at bus stop & on bus. Sandra.

I feel such a coldness at the Flying Scotsman (29th June 2006)

I feel such a coldness at the Flying Scotsman, from within I mean. I feel cold about it. I have lost interest in it. I no doubt will keep going all the same. I feel such a coldness for Lilith. Today maybe Courtauld? Or a film? Then back to Sunset for Helen and Stacey. Then maybe cinema again. That’s my life. It is amazing what they get away with at the cinema. Men f–king that old girl with their pants down around their ankles.

I came all the way home Wednesday night to see Lilith (28th June 2006)

I came all the way home Wednesday night to see Lilith on my home PC to find she has unbanned me! She has let me back in but now I find I do not want to talk to her. I have lost interest in her. I didn’t get to Calcutta till 330 which meant I didn’t get to Sunset Strip till 420 again. 

I left before 7 back to Sunset Cinema. A couple of good films, Hot Chic and I Dream of Jenna. Despite six pints I was ready to explode again. Tried first door & blonde girl was there but busy so I went to Pamela and found some other girl but Renata was the maid! In blue jumper over those big breasts, she must have recognised me on camera because she was waiting for me. The girl kept smiling and saying “ahhh”, as I cuddled Renata and kissed her on cheek. She says she has stopped doing it, and “never again”. How weird! Will Renata now be Pamela’s maid!!??? I went back to blondie then, Luciana, half Swedish half Greek. Amazingly, she turned over without hesitation but only doggy style because down hurts. I managed to convince her to try and was gentle, mainly because I was so close to coming I had to keep stopping. It felt so good slowly sliding in and out of her so close to coming. She is friendly, nice smile. Home via Upper Crust and sexy Greek/Turkish looking black ponytail girl at bus stop in jacket over red T-shirt and dirty blue jeans. Off first stop in W Road. Packed bags & rushed home on last train.

Quite a grey cool 7AM start to the day as it so often is in summer (18th June 2006)

Quite a grey cool 7AM start to the day, as it so often is in summer. I just want to be going back to Sunset Strip and Sunset Cinema. I am a rebel and a revolutionary and I just do not care. I flaunt and provoke and scandalise. Just three nights to get through! Then Jolanda for sure early Wednesday. When the ———? When my life is so empty and I am so bored, what else could I do but turn to pornography, strippers and whores? Is Lydia another one I have broken the heart of? Like Lela, and Ana Maria? Maybe Pamela, too? Viktoriya? Susi? If I didn’t spend money like this is in Moloch, I would just save it so I could do the same things in Berlin and Vienna. Van Gogh, Dowson, Ravel spent their whole life with whores, it is what artists, writers, composers do. It is the bohemian way of life. And it leads to the madhouse, or the morgue. I love my little flat don’t I?! To listen to Wagner Tristan Prelude and Schoenberg’s Erwartung on my tape machine, and then watching the Francesco man on the TV talking about Italy.

How to gather together all the fragments of thoughts and impressions from this night? (17th June 2006)

How to gather together all the fragments of thoughts and impressions from this night? I went straight to Calcutta for two while watching the start of the Czech-Ghana match, then up to Sunset via Oxford Circus and Central Line. Elektra was there but it is three new girls who made the most impression on me. Luna, like another Giselle, Adriana and Helen. All beautifully voluptuous and sexy, but it was Luna especially who actually made me swell. For her second arrival she went to the pole nearest me, turned round and bent over to point her ass straight at me, as if to say this dance is for you. At 6 I went up and watched a bit of football. Foxy was there & she kept glancing round as if towards the street, and when she went in to dance, she looked anxiously back over her shoulder and I followed her with my eyes and we locked eyes with each other very intently. That was a thrilling moment. Elektra was dancing to a song “and the TV’s on” “just a little baby” something like that. The music there is so loud, and bass-deep, and thumping. I was in one of those moods where every girl was sexy, even Nikita on her back as I came in, in a double act with blonde Emma. I left for the Royal Opera House via Holborn and Piccadilly Line to Covent Garden, had a pack of crisps in the pub opposite while watching the end of the Ghana game—how fantastic when a World Cup is on! To go from pub to pub watching bits of games! Once again I remembered why I thought I would become a regular at the ROH. From that balcony position C64 the view is fantastic. You feel so close to the action. It feels so exciting. Christine Rice was great in Duke Bluebeard’s Castle in red dress. I really enjoyed it. I ached painfully when I thought I could have been in this position to see Alexandra von der Weth in Boulevard Solitude five years ago if I could have been bothered, and now will probably never see her. One of the great missed opportunities of my life, along with Violeta Urmana at the Wigmore. I was feeling very tired during Bluebeard, but forced myself back to pub just for a coke with ice while watching the Italy-USA game. I saw the Italy goal, the USA goal, and the Italy sending off, before I had to go back for Erwartung, which was also fantastic. It is so Vienna! It reminded me so much of the nights searching the Gurtel for Tallulah or Esmeraldas. That really is the music of the Viennese broken world. How you look for love and sensuality but it is always broken and twisted, and you can never believe in it. I found it very very moving, this lonely solitary questing after love and sex. 

Back to Covent Garden, Holborn, Central Line to get back to Soho. So many breasts on display in this hot weather, the black dress girl with cleavage hanging out getting on tube as I got off. There were screens in the street around Frith Street and Bateman and crowds were gathered watching the end of the Italy game, a huge roar went up before I got there, but it was a miss. I decided to go back to Sunset as it cost me no more, to see some more action. I watched the last four minutes of the game, then went downstairs to find it packed!!! With four of five girls as well. I will come on Saturday nights more often. Ariana, a tall blonde was looking at me a lot at the back, Estee was in her element with a big crowd, Foxy too was great. I went back upstairs to sit a while and saw so many sexy girls there, the one in little red bra & knickers & devil’s horns, Emilia?, a really beautiful girl smoking looking a bit like Samantha/Maria Moore. Sandra? Anna was the blonde girl from Boulevard. It closes at 1 with last admission at 1230, and I thought I might go back but didn’t. The films did not look good at Sunset but I stayed anyway. Upstairs I walked in and saw man sitting there with massive big fat cock, the fattest I have ever seen. The Hot Rod Blue adverts near the end were the best thing (Wicked Weapon, Rich Man’s Bitch), and I was really close to exploding, even after a total of six beers. The start of The Power of Love was good with Taylor St Claire and I knew I had to leave. I tried Demi, upstairs from Demi (with a Kay lookalike who said goodbye really nicely who I might go back for), Pamela’s room with a Cristina M Bell lookalike, then Lydia. I am saying nothing more except that she looked beautiful, especially at the end as she sat on bed waiting for me to dress with her hair down, black mascara running around her eyes. “Why did you come back?”

Do I feel good about myself now? No (31st May 2006)

Do I feel good about myself now? No. Average films in the cinema, not completely mediocre. No girls there except the old one upstairs who lets everyone f— her one after the other. Got nice and hard though and knew I was ready for Demi. She looked fantastic in black widow’s weeds. Amazingly she turned over without complaint and from feeling nothing, I immediately started to come. I must insist Pamela turns over for me too. A KFC and a couple of tuna baguettes from Charing Cross Station on the way home. Nothing or no one else exciting. I missed the real substance of a night at the opera. Something to engage my brain and spirit. I got to Calcutta about 8 and saw I had missed Kelly and Zoe. I left after one. A low key night all round. I miss Lemon Tree barmaid—I cannot get her off of my mind. ****************Demi is like a black-haired Irina, with a bit of Famke Janssen thrown in. As she lay on her front, she kept her hand underneath her, and I almost got the feeling she was getting some pleasure out of it (remember that is the room Kimi said she was going to come). She was certainly happy enough to turn over for me. I only slept for about 2 hours or so. I feel not hungover, not sleepy, just longing for someone to be with me. Someone to hold and cuddle and stroke. I suppose I will go back to the Calcutta a lot once the World Cup starts. There is no better place to watch football. ARIODANTE tonight I suppose. *************I remember Demi the first time complimenting me on my toenails & then touching my cock “And that’s VERY good—if you didn’t drink!” Now she turned over so readily and put her hand underneath herself as I f—– her from behind.

After my haircut & after dinner I went back to Charing Cross (13th May 2006)

After my haircut & after dinner I went back to Charing Cross. Had three in the Calcutta on a Friday night, one or two sexy girls but mostly older women! Then straight to Sunset Cinema but it was already nearly 22:30. After a while black jacket, black skirt, black stockinged woman came in upstairs screen with man, medium brown hair, and they sat not doing much. I came back and sat just behind them & saw her skirt was pulled up high & she had suspenders showing. Man to my left started reaching round & grabbing her breasts, and with that it was like a whistle was blown, because everyone jumped from their seats & fell upon her. It was Kay, the same black dress woman from before. I pulled down her dress from behind and was fondling her breasts, while man stood in front of her wanking. I was rubbing my erect penis against her head, wrapping it in her hair, rubbing it against her cheek. She kept saying don’t spunk on my black clothes and "don't cum in my hair!" Oral sex is all she will do the man kept saying. I so much wanted to be round the front. Kay said something I didn't catch and the man next to me smiled at me kindly "You didn't mean to, mate, did you. It was an accident!" It got so hot she said it was like a sauna & eventually they gave up & went downstairs and were gone. I got a look at her in the bar to see her face for the first time & she is really pretty. Popped into Boulevard but the girls were so anonymous—another year till I go back! My cock is so hard now as I write this.****On the 77 back to Vauxhall this morning, I felt so powerful & free. How lovely to have my own flat all to myself. How lovely to get up fresh as a daisy at 630AM, and be out the flat by 7AM. I will start a new habit of rising early. I have cured myself of one addiction i.e. the Black Hole of Calcutta by adopting another i.e. the Sunset Cinema. The cinema really turns me on & gets me so much in the mood for Demi or Pamela. I am even tired of Sunset Strip now. I thought my freshness this morning (considering I did not get to bed till 230AM and was already up by 630AM) and my lack of drunkenness when I got back to my flat last night was down to the vigour of my wanking in the cinema, but when I think about it I only had the three pints in Calcutta and one bottle in Boulevard—that obviously is my good safe level. I was so nearly ready to come by twenty past midnight when I left the cinema, yet obviously not really exploding as I need to be before going to room. I went to Demi but was kept waiting outside door, so went to Pamela but was kept waiting inside, so went back to Demi and was told busy, so I went to KFC & had done with it. Now I’ve still got the £86 in my pocket so that is pleasing. I felt so empty last night though, thinking about Pamela. Already the Age of Melani is over, to be replaced by the Age of Pamela. She is another Ana Maria, another Lela. I WILL DRINK MORE WATER & START WAKING EARLY IN THE MORNINGS. How joyous life is, I thought, as I came down the early morning sun drenched station approach. It is good to be up at this time of day before the sun gets hot. People who don’t go to prostitutes, and pornographic cinemas, and strip clubs, who don’t live the life I do, I think of as outsiders.

Now I am staying in Soho much later i.e. after the pubs close, particularly the one on the corner of Peter Street, maybe I can try the other Peter Street places, meaning the one where I met Maria. This is to be a season of the flesh again. Like in the harbour at Antwerp. Looking at Rubenesque art all day, and in the brothels all night.

Ernest Dowson and Hart Crane would both get drunk every night and usually become violent & almost insane (24th April 2006)

Ernest Dowson and Hart Crane would both get drunk every night, and usually become violent & almost insane. I am driving myself almost to insanity every night at the Flying Scotsman. So where are my poems? Try to get into the habit of going to the Scotsman just once a week, and never again on a Saturday. If I go just once a week, then I can also go into Soho afterwards, for Sunset Strip, Sunset Cinema and maybe Pamela as well. The other two days off I will concentrate on staying and writing through the night.

I always love seeing Pamela. How good it felt to be in Sunset Cinema going up & down stairs between the two cinemas with my big swollen sore cock rolling inside my trousers. The sexual charge in those places is fantastic, and now summer is coming there may be more chance of finding some girls in there, too. All artists have to throw themselves into the gutter. Face it the greatest memories of my life have come in the Astral Cinema, the Soho Cinema, and the Sunset Cinema. All the incredible hot erotic memories from those places! I drink to derange my senses & go into the dream world. From there I can go back to Soho and the Sunset Cinema. Just imagine if the Flying Scotsman did private dances as well! Thank God they do not! There is something glorious in my drunken stupidities at the Scotsman. But please–once a week! Then I will allow myself Sunset Cinema as well. Like Hart Crane cruising the violent & dangerous Brooklyn, Manhattan & Hoboken shorefronts I cannot help but going back into Soho cinemas, despite the shame & ignominy & ruin it brings on myself–because the highs are so great & so exciting! 

“…All the couples part abruptly and pull up their trousers. That’s the flâneur, caught in the spotlight, blushing perhaps but with a wry smile playing around his lips. This, at least, is Edmund White’s kind of flâneur , cruising for sex while a few yards away tourists are paying through the nose for grim dinner-dancing experiences as they float along the Seine. When White lived in Paris between 1983 and 1998, he quickly found the best places to cruise. The Palais Royal and the Tuileries gardens (especially the gravel walkways by the Orangerie) sound like delightful places for outdoor sex, though why he thought the quay near Gare d’Austerlitz would be is, frankly, beyond me. He writes: “Most people, straight or gay, think that cruising is pathetic or sordid – but for me, at least, some of my happiest moments have been spent making love to a stranger beside dark, swiftly moving water below a glowing city.” Paris: city of light, but better, city of darkness and anonymous sex. White maintains, not very convincingly and rather half-heartedly, that cruising is an extension or application of the art of the flâneur. Those practitioners and theoreticians of the art, Walter Benjamin and Charles Baudelaire, wouldn’t have had much time for that idea, and nor should we. The whole point about a flâneur is that he or she is an aimless stroller. By contrast, a cruiser is utterly directed, as Schopenhauer might have put it, towards the extinction of his desire. The flâneur's desire is much less ardent, perhaps approaching non-existence, and thus resembles the disinterested appreciation that Kant argued was characteristic of aesthetic experience.”

****************

I like getting wilder & wilder. Audit Day today. The —— is going to be audited. I am going to get caned. Infernal’s From Paris to Berlin is No.4 in the charts! Reminding me so much of my travels. Also the Out of Touch, Out of Time video in the Calcutta. I love the excitement of travel. IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS I HAVE SPENT £422! I COULD HAVE GONE TO BERLIN INSTEAD & USED IT TO PAY FOR THE £165 BA FLIGHT & £225 BERLIN PLAZA FOR FOUR NIGHTS, STILL WITH BEER & KNESEPFANNE MONEY LEFT OVER! I COULD HAVE SEEN THE HEATHROW PON DE REPLAY WOMAN. THEY’VE SHOCKED US AND HELPED OUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD. 12 BOOKS THAT CHANGED THE WORLD. THE HMS BEAGLE LANDED ON THE GALAPAGOS 1835. I AM A GENTLEMAN SCIENTIST. A SYNOPSIS OF HIS LIFE’S WORK. PUBLISHING IT WAS LIKE CONFESSING TO A MURDER. I shrunk from all contact with the other children in nursery. I shrunk from all contact with other pupils at school. I shrink from all contact with people now as an adult. One of the great things about me is my blissful uncaredness: I couldn’t care what ——, or M—–, or G— think of me. I am in my private world, going there for my private reasons.

There seemed to be a party going on in the Sunset Cinema bar (20th Dec 2006)

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Not sure why I was quite so depressed after last night (9th November 2006)

Not sure why I was quite so depressed after last night. Felt rejected by —— covering her ears when I asked about private parties, and then by Pamela keep saying no to me, she is busy every day, then when I asked her if she had a boyfriend she announced she had a not-quite a boyfriend, a Frenchman, who she knew from when she first came to England. Did not wake up till 130PM, just in time to head back to Calcutta for four, then the Queen Anne. Clara, Lucy is Giselle from Sunset! Then Redd appeared. My god. She is everything she is cracked up to be and more. Changed into black businesswoman’s jacket and skirt with nothing underneath. I had a private dance with her and she rubbed very hard against me. She is awesome. It will be so long till I see her again. Got to work just before 10. Fairly awful night as can be expected with six pints inside me. 

Arleni, Maira, the unbelievably pretty Sol, Sam, Lena, Michelle, at the Flying Scotsman. And —- who I avoided. Stupidly I went into Sunset Cinema, paid £12, just looked upstairs and downstairs then left straightaway. I was too drunk. Big Naughty Titties is the only title I can remember. Pamela was busy so I sat with maid waiting, She smiled hello when she saw me, in red bra & knickers, & hair pulled back tight. As I said I felt like she would always reject me and it will never happen. “Don’t look sad” she said as I dressed, “I hate it when you look sad” At least I only spent £22 this time. All those gorgeous Berlin whores I could be fucking in Mon Cheri,Golden Gate and Monte Carlo. All those gorgeous Vienna whores. Clarisse in Brussels. 

It is six days till I can misbehave again next Wednesday. Just three hours to get through tonight. 

This day last year I was heading to Berlin for Eugene Onegin at the Deutsche Oper, and going to see the Katarina Wild Horses film in BEC afterwards, and getting so hard it would not go down even by the time I got back to leaf-strewn Ku’damm. How long till I do that again? The thing is I don’t regret spending £12 in cinema Wednesday, I just regret not forcing myself to stay. 

I would like to see Demi again in Peter Street. For that I have to go to cinema first. Just 8 days till —– at the Horse & Groom. New brunette girl in the Calcutta. Thank God a girl at last!

I am pretty far gone aren’t I? (16th July 2006)

I am pretty far gone, aren’t I? Look at my face, the bags under my eyes. The way I cannot talk to people. I am like a drug addict. I have disappeared so far inside myself. It is almost impossible for me to be in a room with other people. I am like a wild child. No wonder people often think I am on drugs. I am a revolutionary at work. I am carrying out a revolution. A subversive one. A Situationist revolution. I am carrying out a Situationist revolution against the whole of society around me.
It is fantastic to be in a porn cinema when a girl comes in. Of course I will keep going to Sunset Cinema after the Bell, prior to Demi. Sex, sordid, sleazy sex, illicit thrills, Godzilla sex, vampire sex, is what I live for. Companionship is not possible, for I am a dead man, a ghost.
My books are my revolutionary texts—AUTISMUS, LOTTA, THE COLD ICY AIR OF THE MOUNTAINS, and CASANOVA (LOST WANDERINGS).

As good as Wednesday was, Thursday was bad (6th July 2006)

As good as Wednesday was, Thursday was bad. It was ever thus. I was strangely not in the mood for Sunset. Stacey & Helen sitting at bar as I stood between them waiting to get my drink when I arrived, Samantha, Giselle, Daniella, Lana, but I felt uncomfortable & awkward. Had four Fosters before going up to the Scotsman but it was the worst line up ever, not one worth staying for. I could only finish about a third of my pint and left again! I felt like going straight home but felt I would feel like it had been a missed opportunity if I sat at home all Thursday night, so forced myself back to the cinema for the same films. It was a mistake. The same films never seem so sexy second time around. Resisted the thought of forcing myself to Francesca as well, and came home via a KFC, another mistake, and a tuna & mayo roll. The blonde girl grinned at me so much as I approached and said “tuna mayo!” As I left I said cheers, and she looked up at me with the most gorgeous huge grin and a “cheers brother!” Someone likes me at least. At the start, I finally made it to the Courtauld–what treasures! At the 87 bus stop going home, lovely big voluptuous Eurasian/Kazakh?-looking girl was looking how to get to Leicester Square so I told her, but as I was demonstrating & explaining, she pressed her huge-breasted voluptuous body in blue T-shirt & jeans right up close to me, and our bodies kept bouncing against each other. It was so erotic & she was hot.

This is Fu Manchu weather (5th July 2006)

This is Fu Manchu weather. Black, steamy, hot and humid, but raining all the time. A permanent mist of rain in the hot, steamy conditions. It is like being in Phnom Penh. This is Cambodia weather.

Two in the Calcutta with white shirt Katerina with no eye contact. Sylvie was first on in Sunset followed by Jolanda. Nina was next. She is so much like Melani, but Melani is Nina x100. Nina does not turn me on though she is so beautiful. Also there Angelina, and doing the middle shift, Sandra. A quiet small brunette but she was so sexy! She made eye contact with me a lot & really turned me on. I left about 5 because it is so empty on early shift I feel uncomfortable. At the Scotsman was ——. After dancing she marched straight to back & sat down with me again. I bought her another red bull. She was so sexy in little red tartan bra & knickers only. Drinking so much so quickly on empty stomach I was feeling randier than normal, and when she left to collect, & asked me to keep her drink safe for her, I stroked her bum and had a good feel of it. She looked at me in mock shock but she was so sexy on stage. While she was dancing however, a huge voluptuous red haired girl came in with two blokes to talk to Tina. They exchanged numbers & then she came & sat where —— had been sitting, so I could get a good side on look at her. Those tits are the most massive I have ever seen in my life. Her arse was practically hanging out of her jeans & that was massive as well. She glanced at me a few times. If she ever danced there I would die with pleasure. It would be the greatest striptease I have ever seen in my life. Knocking even fat bottomed silver dressed girl at Carnival into the shade. They were like zeppelins. Looking past her, —— suddenly seemed so ridiculously small. —— came back for her drink & found the girl there & was then in animated conversation with her & they exhanged numbers as well. After that —— came & had a drink with another man sitting at the side bar in front of me. After collecting —— sidled up to me again, whispering a drink, vodka & coke. After she finished I bought it for her & she came & collected in by the gents but just walked off with it & stood talking to other men with my drink in her hands! Vicki was quite friendly, not scowling at least. Stella smiled hello as she passed me by the gents, but I don’t think I stayed long enough to see her dance, or Kelly (E).

I went back to look for Francesca but she was busy, so I went back to Sunset for Lana & Nikita, the end of Elektra, and one more from Sandra before she left at 9. I watched most of the France v Portugal second half then went to Sunset Cinema. The films were great. Magma Swing Party, Nympho Nurses Naughty, and Titten Alarm 17—all German films!—plus Fresh Meat 18. I thought I was turned on enough so I went back to Francesca. She lived up to her description. Her breasts are sensational. She is pretty enough as well. For an extra £5 I got her to turn over but still could not come. She offered a hand job AND TOOK THE CONDOM OFF TO GIVE IT! It is true, she lets you come over her tits just like that. Still I could not come, so I apologised & kissed her goodbye. She works Tuesday to Saturday but only to 10PM. I will for sure go back many times.

I went back to the cinema again for more of the great films. Upstairs was bald man with pretty brunette girl from last week but they do not seem to do much. This time I was ready to explode, & though I wanted to carry on watching the films, I made my way to Demi, but another girl was there, Savannah. She was pretty but £30. I was tempted but she walked off angrily, so her attitude turned me off though her body was great. I went back to Pamela. It was so nice sucking her tits and the edge of her nipples at least. I could not stop sucking and love biting her. For £25 she turned over & I came very nicely again. I made her lay with me for just a couple of minutes, but could not stop laughing for some reason. She did not stay with me as I got dressed this time. I was too drunk to ask her anything. I came home after that. There was a sexy brown ponytail girl stood behind me at bus stop then she came & sat in the corner seat just beneath me, in little pink vest & I could not help keep looking down at her cleavage & her face, and she knew I was looking & I think liked it. She got off W Road just before me. Sitting in back seat opposite me our knees touching was most beautiful blonde in long skirt, jacket over little green top, with nice big tits & cleavage on show. I grabbed a few ogles & she was so beautiful. On the next corner seat was the purple blouse girl from before! In brown leather jacket, low cut shirt with tops of breasts visible, and tight brown skirt. Red lips. She was so sexy. Sitting side on ready to get off she knew I was looking at her so much.

All in all, a very sexy night. A night of a thousand breasts, and a dozen super-voluptuous vixens. Jolanda, red head at the Scotsman, Francesca, Pamela, girls at bus stop & on bus. Sandra.