My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am but also how unhappy I am (15th July 2006)

My afternoon with Lydia just brought home to me how white I am, but also how unhappy I am. From the moment I met her outside -- tube she started saying “you are unhappy”. I suppose I am. I live in a constant fog of unhappiness that I have got so used to I no longer notice it. Only when I am forced to be with people, I realise how shocking other people find me. And how white I am. I live in darkness, both literally and metaphorically. Who would I want to be with now? No one. Not Lydia. Not —–. Not Pamela. I only want to be alone. Left alone with my writing the way Munch wanted to be left alone with his pictures. This is a wonderful world for an autistic person. As long as we can indulge it. After getting back to Charing X from --, I had a small tuna & mayo with the grinning “how are you?” Alia, and “see you later!”, before dragging myself back into the Calcutta. Only as I got on the 815 train I saw the huge voluptuous titted blonde bouncing past the window, with that almost black lipstick pout she puts on in disgust when she knows men are looking at her tits, yet she always wears those ludicrously low cut vests, this time green, that show off so much of the tops of her tits. How I would like to touch & taste & f–k those tits.

You could say I have got worse, and I am like someone who has given up and will try no more; or you could say I have got better. I am more myself now. I am purer. I have gone deeper into myself, and deeper into nothingness. And that is where I long to be and where I love to be.

Even Thursday I felt so bored in the cinema, despite Tittenalarm 18, UNTIL the blonde came in with the man, and was kissing him, and her knees drawn up so he could finger her and all the men in the seats in front were turning & looking up her. That suddenly was SO hot and sexy. I had to leave in a hurry because I wanted to explode straightaway with Demi, but still she is gone for another two weeks, so I went with Francesca, just in the one position and came easily. I will not go back. Demi will be the next one I go to. The Sunset rota is up but I just feel totally sated by it now. I would rather go see Taxi Driver and the Romanian film. I have to stop my spending now. 

How lovely it was lying on the floor of my flat when I got home (28th August 2006)

How lovely it was lying on the floor of my flat when I got home, just doing my newspapers, and I put the anglepoise lamp on for the first time in months. My little nest looked so lovely, with all those books starting to pile up against the wall. I slept on the floor again! I think I actually prefer it on the floor, I seem to sleep a lot longer, and have so many vivid dreams. I did not get up until 645pm again. Before sleeping I was listening to that tape & it was full of the Vienna 2002 songs! Avril Lavigne Complicated, Los Asejere The Tomato Song, Puddle of Mudd, No Doubt Underneath it All. It was amazing to hear them again. At the same time I have been thinking a lot about those great films, the German tramp in the forest with the girl in the fur coat, and at first he exposes himself, then she just touches him a bit, before they are full on fucking in the middle of the forest path where anyone can see them. And the Last Bus to Boobsville. And the women’s hen night party. Incredible memories. This is why I travel. Watching it on your computer is not the same. It needs oxygen to become combustible and erotic and catch into flames. But do I really have to wait so long till December! It will be great to finally get back to ML Revue again. How excited I will be that night, leaving the hotel, and riding the tram up the Gurtel till I get there! How excited I will be on the train to Vienna and arriving at Westbhanhof, and crossing the road to the Dorint! At Christmas time! Progress is slow, it will be such a long time till I get there. All of September, all of October, all of November–is it possible? I will have to go back to Sunset in the meantime, and Demi and Pamela. No, you must wait for Vienna, because I really want to have some spending money when I get there, for the dancing, and the kabins, and the whores. I woke up briefly at 5, just as it started to thunder! Then lash with rain. That was lovely. If only I did not also have to come to work. Just one more night to get through! I want to see Volver, Snakes on a Plane, Scanner Darkly, the Sir John Soanes Museum. Plenty. It can wait a week or two. I have just realised tonight is the Third Anniversary of Powercut Night, Rani If Loving You is Wrong I don’t want to be Right, when the Flying Scotsman really started for me. It is also the second anniversary of Animal Trainer 14 and my second time with Olga. I have found a new place to go in Brussels, the incredible bar of the Hotel Metropol by Le Brouckere, and a new place in Vienna, the Liechtenstein Palace.