Another call from Lydia as I lay cutting up my newspapers (9th July 2006)

Another call from Lydia as I lay cutting up my newspapers. I let it ring out, but immediately felt guilty, & texted her back Oh Lydia. This time I answered. What you doing Wednesday & Thursday? You come swimming with me? Maybe. Maybe, or yes?! I don't like swimming but I like you. Alright we will just go outside somewhere. Thursday. I feel excited. She always turns me on. I always want to lay with her and f--k her. I have loved her since the first time I met her. It has been almost two years now. Then there is -----, who I am still addicted to. 

Then there is Lilith. When you put your face close to the cam, it is like the greatest thing in the world. It is like the opening bars of Beethoven's 5th symphony. Something great has just occurred. Like Norman Mailer wrote about Last Tango in Paris. When Marlon Brando first meets Maria Schneider in the apartment & without warning reaches down & rips her knickers off in one movement, the sound of that tear is as great a moment in Western civilisation as the opening Da-da-da-daas of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. It is lunacy but beautiful lunacy. When you put your face next to the screen, it is as great. You say you do this for connections. Yet you don't see the point. Maybe just not with me. You are on a different level to all the other girls. You are iconic. I am scopophile. Erotomane. If you don't talk, you become a fetish object. We gaze & gaze at you. No one else would be worth gazing at. Your face is addictive. There is more going on in your face & eyes than all the other "models" put together. Men look, and women are looked at. I cannot believe there is anyone on the entire web as worth gazing at as you. You glow in the dark. Like the tip of your nighttime cigarette. And the men gather to you, like moths around the flame. And if their wings burn, you know you're not to blame. Marlene Dietrich. Years ago I used to go to old cinemas and gaze up at her face like I do to yours now. They say her glory was all down to the lighting. It is clever the way you light yourself as well. You just show us your face & shoulders, and lit by a spotlight. None of the other girls do that. I can scroll down the list of online girls so quickly knowing your face will leap out as soon as I get to it. 

Every meeting with Lydia is so charged and erotic. Every meeting with ----- is so charged and erotic. Every meeting with Lilith is so charged and erotic. Demi, too. Melani. To an extent, Sandra, Helen.

Sin, degradation and despair. But enough of the good things in life (8th July 2006)

Sin, degradation, and despair. But enough of the good things in life. I have become so used to you, I no longer like it when the other girls reply to me. I now only become erotically aroused when ignored. When I first talked with Lilith in free, she had no lipstick on, just those black eye shadow & black mascara eyes. After she was whisked away from me into private (maybe she keeps taking herself private to lure me in?), she came back wearing that blood red lipstick again, and looking so beautiful. This time I had to take her private myself. ************No sign of Lilith tonight. I have a quandary. I’d have to be as rich as Croesus to pay $20 a time just for four minutes of conversation with you. Yet you do not talk for free. So what is left? I actually look forward to Sunday night back at work so I can look for her again. Like Orphée into the Underworld.

Finally went private with Lilith (7th July 2006)

Finally went private with Lilith. She was wearing black again, with really black eyes. Really red lips, like she was making an effort. Amazing she let me in at all. Not a smile from her, though. Spent $37 just talking to her. “Maybe the riddle is not supposed to be solved”. When I was talking to her in free, telling her she looked like Kate Moss, someone else kept whisking her into private. I am sure that must have been —-, so jealous when anyone else gets on with her. It happened twice. I told her I would send her another email and she replied no ty. You hate me that much. I don’t hate you. I just don’t see the point. I am more hooked then ever. I don’t want to be hooked. I even got a response from Geany. She was wearing those green knickers. I said whenever I see that shade of green I always think of you. And she started smiling. I then said green how I love you green. And she replied hahah Sgt, whether that was sarcastic or not I do not know. She said she was Romanian yet she seems to talk fluent Spanish, so maybe she does know Lorca.