The fact that I have paid £600 off my Barclaycard in the space of a month shows what is possible [11th Sept 2006]

The fact that I have paid £600 off my Barclaycard in the space of a month shows what is possible. I don’t think I am going to go to Vienna in December. I think I would rather keep waiting and keep saving. So when I do travel I will have a real war chest to travel with. I was thinking in the Calcutta on Thursday that there is nothing worth spending money on except sex. If it is a choice between seeing Volver or A Scanner Darkly, or going to see a girl take her knickers off to music, then there can only be one winner. You see people who go on beach holidays, or Amalfi, and I think how bored I would be. The only holiday that means anything is in red light districts. To meet new strippers and new Esmeraldas. What is wrong with running a high debt? We will see how high my Virgin interest is when that hits in October. 

In McDonald’s most beautiful gorgeous voluptuous brunette girl, maybe 18 or 19, skin tight black top over rolls of fat and big fat huge tits, thick yellow snakeskin belt, blue jeans over fat arse, pretty pretty face, little snub nose. I could not take my eyes off her & she knew it as she finally shot me a glance as I stepped forward to order. 

Nothing in the city matters except sex, the buying and selling of it, young women stripping for you, young women lying back on the bed and opening their legs for you, men all with their cocks out in a dark porn cinema. This is the reality of my life. Vienna is still a mystery to me. With three consecutive visits to Brussels, then three to Munich, then three to Berlin, I felt I cracked the nut of all those places. I still have not achieved that with Vienna. Viennese Eroticism is very important to me. Primitive London. I am very intellectual yet I live very primitively, my animal instincts always winning out over my cerebral ones. So much drink has sozzled my brain that I doubt I have any cerebral instincts left at all. What an animal I was with Anya at the stag party; how impressed Sylvia seemed to be & so much more warm and friendly to me than she had ever been before. When people write about my life 50 years from now, they will have to write about the Calcutta, the Flying Scotsman, Sunset Strip and Carnival. About Astral, Soho Cinema, and Sunset Cinema. About Atlantic City. About Stutti Frutti, Mon Cheri, Golden Gate, Monte Carlo and Ciro.

If I do not travel to Vienna and Berlin in December and the New Year I will have no chance to meet a new Irina or Susi, Patricia or Viktoriya. Things happen when you travel. In Brussels I met Clarisse. In Frankfurt Katerina. In Berlin Erica. It is important to keep exploring. I live in a kind of Francis Bacon London. I live in the gutter like him. My writing is visceral and from the guts, full of pinks and reds and purples, like his paintings. I too am fascinated by a Pope. I am visceral and fascinated and turned on by my naked self like Egon Schiele. Do not apologise for this. Exult in it. I am priapic and I will just do it more than ever. I am saving money by not doing it so much just so I can do it more. I am going to Vienna at Christmas to fuck a couple of Viennese whores. In strip clubs every night is like Sylvester's Eve; or Walpurgisnacht. The more bawdy and raucous the better; that is why I like the Bell on Saturday nights. In London all the strip pubs are packed with men; again I ask the question, where do all the men go in Berlin? In Vienna? In Brussels?

Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily (28th July 2006)

Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily. In fact you cannot have one without the other. Berlin Eroticism is different again, as is Munich Eroticism, and Brussels Eroticism. I will always remember Maria in Pour Platin. I will always remember arriving in Vienna at 11pm in the snow. Saybia, Mando Diao,The Libertines, Chemical Brothers, Soulwax. 

I am sure Lilith knows I am there from the moment I connect to her room. A look always comes over her face, and is it my imagination but does she always start readjusting her camera, just to give an excuse to look directly into the lens? The moment I logged in under ---- I am sure I saw her face freeze, as if suddenly desperate not to betray any emotion, but I am sure her heart started beating faster, because she started breathing deeper and faster.

Whenever I feel depressed my old sexual demon returns and that banishes my despair in mad displays of wild exhibitionism (15th April 2006)

Whenever I feel depressed, my old sexual demon returns, and that banishes my despair in mad displays of wild exhibitionism. It is the Weimar Berlin spirit. It is Josephine Baker on the stage in nothing but a girdle of bananas. It is Anita Berber the sex dancer losing herself in opium and gin. It is George Grosz and Otto Dix. I progressed from The Flying Scotsman to harder stuff and then back to The Flying Scotsman again. I am pushing the boundaries of what The Flying Scotsman can offer however. How much I would like to fuck J----. How much I would like to fuck K----. How much I would like to fuck L---. I like to be on the edge. I like my CALCULATED madness with -----, just pushing things as far as I wanted them to go---and then pulling back. So I had an effect on people & stirred things up. I like pushing things CALCULATEDLY with A---. I would like to see Clarisse in Brussels again. Tuesday is the anniversary of Lulu at the ENO and VIENNESE EROTICISM. Immerse myself in Berg, Webern and Schoenberg, the most sensually decadent music ever written. And, immersed in it, soaked in it like whisky, go back to The Flying Scotsman!

All I care about is my magazine, my Fackel. I have nothing else. I am a broken down man living in the ruins. ----- thought she wanted to get involved then changed her mind. What is important is to give style to one's character, and to turn one's mistakes into something that had to happen for the overall good, and one must not be without. The world's so quiet & silent at night.

Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily (28th July 2006)

Viennese Eroticism and psychotherapy fit together very easily. In fact you cannot have one without the other. Berlin Eroticism is different again, as is Munich Eroticism, and Brussels Eroticism. I will always remember Maria in Pour Platin. I will always remember arriving in Vienna at 11pm in the snow. Saybia, Mando Diao,The Libertines, Chemical Brothers, Soulwax.
I am sure Lilith knows I am there from the moment I connect to her room. A look always comes over her face, and is it my imagination but does she always start readjusting her camera, just to give an excuse to look directly into the lens? The moment I logged in under — I am sure I saw her face freeze, as if suddenly desperate not to betray any emotion, but I am sure her heart started beating faster, because she started breathing deeper and faster.

Listening to all this Viennese music—Webern 5 Orchestral Pieces, Joseph Korngold lush late romanticism—makes me think of Vienna (27th July 2006)

Listening to all this Viennese music—Webern 5 Orchestral Pieces, Joseph Korngold lush late romanticism—makes me think of Vienna. Even though I wrote her name small, Maria is surely the most beautiful girl I have ever f—-d. Surely the sexiest. Now I look at all my pictures and think they are in a Vienna hotel room with Vienna just outside. Viennese Eroticism, there is nothing quite like it. Bad Timing. The Night Porter. There’s not many Brazilians in Europe, all Poles, Czechs, Romanians, Ukrainians. A couple of stand out Brazilians in Munich in Patricia and Bella Rosa, it is true. In London it is nearly ALL Brazilians! I should stay in the Radisson SAS in Vienna, if only for the first night.
We are approaching the Lost in Space boundary.
You Don’t Know Me.
********
I am a writer. I am Francis Bacon. I am eccentric and wild.
All that matters is the books, the long journeys across Europe. Writing alone with blue hands in cold stoveless rooms.