I feel an almost physical revulsion at the thought of going back to Sunset and Demi and Pamela [13th Sept 2006]

I feel an almost physical revulsion at the thought of going back to Sunset and Demi and Pamela. But what else is there, so I will eventually. When I know the pleasures I have felt in those places felt so intense. I feel a physical revulsion for going back to those nighttime Vienna places and the nighttime Berlin places. I feel a physical revulsion for spending any money when I am in this saving mode. That is good. I have become allergic to spending money when before I seemed addicted to it. I feel an almost physical revulsion for women. I am a strange man. How can -- or anyone have a relationship with a strange man like me. I am like Ralph Fiennes Spider. I only learnt how to be alone when I was a baby, and I always will be. I love places where I can be alone surrounded by loud pounding music and naked girls, that is why I love the dream world of the Scotsman and Sunset Strip so much. It is the ultimate detachment. The ultimate transcendency. The ultimate lens. The ultimate gateway to the state of bliss that is the Kingdom of Death. Ultimate nothingness. --'s finger to the lips in a hushing gesture seems a very big moment. That nervousness so intense I cannot breathe as the train nears Nuremberg & as I got off and walk along the corridor to the entrance hall, and the nervousness I felt so intense I could not breathe as i went down the steps at the Astral, I now feel when I walk to the Scotsman from the north from the 91 stop. I feel it too when I enter Sunset Cinema, hoping to find a woman being monickered, and also when I go up the models' steps. That is the high. That is the drug.

Do I feel good about myself now? No (31st May 2006)

Do I feel good about myself now? No. Average films in the cinema, not completely mediocre. No girls there except the old one upstairs who lets everyone f— her one after the other. Got nice and hard though and knew I was ready for Demi. She looked fantastic in black widow’s weeds. Amazingly she turned over without complaint and from feeling nothing, I immediately started to come. I must insist Pamela turns over for me too. A KFC and a couple of tuna baguettes from Charing Cross Station on the way home. Nothing or no one else exciting. I missed the real substance of a night at the opera. Something to engage my brain and spirit. I got to Calcutta about 8 and saw I had missed Kelly and Zoe. I left after one. A low key night all round. I miss Lemon Tree barmaid—I cannot get her off of my mind. ****************Demi is like a black-haired Irina, with a bit of Famke Janssen thrown in. As she lay on her front, she kept her hand underneath her, and I almost got the feeling she was getting some pleasure out of it (remember that is the room Kimi said she was going to come). She was certainly happy enough to turn over for me. I only slept for about 2 hours or so. I feel not hungover, not sleepy, just longing for someone to be with me. Someone to hold and cuddle and stroke. I suppose I will go back to the Calcutta a lot once the World Cup starts. There is no better place to watch football. ARIODANTE tonight I suppose. *************I remember Demi the first time complimenting me on my toenails & then touching my cock “And that’s VERY good—if you didn’t drink!” Now she turned over so readily and put her hand underneath herself as I f—– her from behind.

When I feel so broken and sad like I did last night & now I need to go on from the Scotsman to the cinema to lose myself in porn & that high (2nd October 2006)

When I feel so broken and sad like I did last night & now, I need to go on from the Scotsman to the cinema to lose myself in porn & that high, and on that high, dangerously excited, to go on to see Demi or Pamela. I need to see someone to take my mind off —–. And then straightaway I am right back into my old life and nothing will have changed whatsoever! Friday night 7pm I had another missed call from Olga. I definitely need to lose myself in the spiritual high of porn and whores to get my mind off the intense sadness of my relationship with —–. That means Berlin may have to wait till April or May. I didn’t try to talk to —– or buy her a drink, because I just want things to settle down between us, which started to happen at the end, when she let her body rest against mine & massaged my shoulder, so that I will feel OK about going to see her in Plumstead on the 18th November, which after all is only SIX WEEKS away! 

I am a dreamy boy, who lives in a world of his own. I am Ernest Dowson, seemingly always submerged in a dream. He spent all his money on drink and whores. He suffered the torture of the damned because his beloved Adelaide did not love him back. I need to go to see Demi and Pamela, to try to console me over my broken heart with —–. “I have been faithful to thee, Cynara, in my fashion” But all the time I am fucking Demi or Pamela it will be really —– I am imagining is beneath me.