I always have to have this twisted painful sado-masochistic relationship with women [27th Sept 2006]

I always have to have this twisted, painful, sado-masochistic relationship with women--like --, Melani.  Where initial fondness and attraction turns to anger and bitterness and incomprehension. Like Stephane with Emmanuelle Beart in Un Coeur en Hiver. Like Will Penny. How close I came to Lotta's fitta, to Covadonga's, to --'s. To get so close to those lovely soft nubile women's bodies, to be so close to being let in, and then to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I was absolutely like Stephane with Emmanuelle Beart with --. Let her know I like her, make her want me, and then just coldly stand there and let her go. 

I am lonely so I like to be surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women in nothing but their bras & knickers & corsets while I drink myself to death (24th March 2006)

I am lonely so I like to be surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women in nothing but their bras & knickers & corsets while I drink myself to death. Sometimes we smile & flirt a little bit but whenever I get too close they move away, or whenever they get too close I move away. How lovely to stand in the corner watching the football with M-- just a foot away from me talking to the other man, so I could gaze & gaze at the lovely voluptuous arse cupped in those white cami-shorts. The night before when L-- had stood in the same place and I could gaze at her even more voluptuous arse in nothing but a g-string under black see through top. The power of the gaze, John Berger. How lovely to have some hot eye contact with scantily clad women like A--, H--, M--, and --. I am a disappointment to girls, when they discover I have nothing to say. I am lost in my own dreamworld, my own underworld. I cannot be roused out of it. I will always be the lost boy. I think -- is still fond of me. I think she still has tenderness & affection for me. When you are a loner, and have lived in your own world so long, it is hard to give it up, even when you want to. This was Will Penny's problem. This was Stephane's problem. This was Peter Pan's problem.

It was quite strange that C——- was there last night but —— wasn’t. She was nice to me, smiling and laughing and asking if I was OK. J—— is always lovely to me. A—– was giving me such hot looks. M——‘s look, and comment to Helena. “Hello trouble”. I am Aschenbach in Death in Venice. Because I want you some more. I want you some more. I really wanted someone, but tortured by my own repression, I did not act, and missed my chance. I am drowning in booze since I got my own flat, but at least I am doing something. After sucking my ear, C—— let me touch her arse again, and then stood so close to me while collecting from the men behind me that her bum was still resting against me. The great value of the flat to me is that I can just be alone and silent here. I consider a day wasted if I cannot spend it in solitude and silence.

Despair & depression. This is how Noodles felt after he saw Deborah off at the railway station & went back to his opium den. This is how Stephane felt as he sits at the cafe table & watches Camille drive off for the last time. I deliberately destroyed my relationship with —– to stay safe. Like Noodles I am a gentle & tender man, and yet I act animalistically, like the way he rapes Tuesday Weld on the bank raid. It is the only way I know how to relate to women. Broken and empty. I want to take all my comforters back to the flat with me; my Hart Crane, my little black diary.

A lot of the girls like me but I never do anything. —– was the only one who got close. It is like I wanted to remain unknown even though I was tempted.

Thunder at 6AM. Now torrential rain (30th Sept 2006)

Thunder at 6AM. Now torrential rain. Winter is finally coming. I am autistic. I am Stephane in Un Coeur en Hiver. I am Will Penny. I am the Consul. I am Noodles. It was so good watching that Stephen Fry programme about depression. Even though he had just been to a party and was laughing and joking and was the life of the party, when he got home he cried his eyes out and thought of ways to kill himself. Richard Dreyfus has only coped by being on medication for the last 30 years. Many people find it hard to cope with their minds. 

I am so ridiculously nervous about meeting —– again tonight. Most people have got lots of different kinds of relationships, as Sarah would say. I do not. I have only my longing for —– and nothing else. —– is everything. I just know how I will feel when I wake up Sunday morning with a hangover, depressed, so so empty, feeling so worthless and pointless because I am alone and without her. I dread it—yet what is the alternative? If I stay in and do not go, I will feel just as empty. At least for a couple of hours I will have the intensity of losing myself in the depravity, of diving deeper into darkness. Into the Libertines, Hogarthian, Crane Wine Menagerie world. What I did was perverse with —–. I eventually got over the black psychological meltdown with Black Bob, I eventually got over the black psychological meltdown with Pooky, I eventually got over the black psychological meltdown with Susi and Irina. I suppose I will eventually get over the black psychological meltdown with —–, but it is hard when temptation is always there, when she is so close. I am so unhappy, because I am alone, because I did not take a chance with —–. Falling in love is awful. I have been bombed to ruins again. What is there for me to look forward to? Just writing with cold blue hands in cold stoveless rooms high in the icy mountains. Complete emptiness and hollowness. 

I was always the one who wanted to stay in the corner and not get involved. Fine. 

I always have to have this twisted painful sado-masochistic relationship with women (27th Sept 2006)

I always have to have this twisted, painful, sado-masochistic relationship with women–like —–, Melani. Where initial fondness and attraction turns to anger and bitterness and incomprehension. Like Stephane with Emmanuelle Beart in Un Coeur en Hiver. Like Will Penny. How close I came to Lotta’s fitta, to Covadonga’s, to —–‘s. To get so close to those lovely soft nubile women’s bodies, to be so close to being let in, and then to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. I was absolutely like Stephane with Emmanuelle Beart with —–. Let her know I like her, make her want me, and then just coldly stand there and let her go. 

Just one more night to get through, then—I can go back to the Scotsman.