"We drank hard and talked about what Debord, who drank persistently and prodigiously, had written about alcohol"

"We drank hard and talked about what Debord, who drank persistently and prodigiously, had written about alcohol. 'I admire Debord as a perfect and dedicated drinker.' We talked about how, in the early years of his career as a drinker, Debord was always in pursuit of or just arriving at a perfect point of intoxication which, unlike paid labour or any other servile activity, would reveal 'the true taste of the passage of time'. Drinking was a beautiful poetic game, with its rules and protocols. Debord devoted pages to describing this notion."

Irina suddenly leaned over to me and said to me "I'm sorry, you're a nice guy, but you drink too much" before giving me the ultimate private dance. I said to Viktoriya "You don’t like me, do you", and she exploded back with real hatred "Yes. Because you're always drunk". *****************I insist on the primacy of my own experience. My own vision. I can only be alone. I can only be in cold icy mountains. ******************Don't be unhappy, be happy! Think what immense power you have got! You have made the great separation & now live for pure Priapism. You have got money. Winter is coming. I can go to the Bell, the Sunset Strip, Sunset Cinema, Demi and Pamela. In January I can go to Berlin. This is going to  be a season of the flesh. I have got a nice little job I enjoy. I have got money coming in. I have got my own little nest. I have got a week off in December and another week off in January to go to Berlin, for La Traviata and Carmina Burana.

"Where do you live actually?" said Pamela to me. The discipline of saving money is actually a really exciting one. It has made the Bell more exciting for me. It will no doubt make Sunset Strip more exciting for me eventually. I love the things I have got away with in the past, the things I get away with now, the things I will get away with in the future. 

I have got my book-lined London home, filled with ferns, and classical music. I live like a church mouse in a little hotel earning the money to write my books, while enjoying the girls taking their knickers off to loud music, and travelling a couple of times a year to Berlin. I am still sad about --. Do what you want with your genitals, otherwise you will regret it when you're dead.

I shut out all the people who try to love me (16th Sept 2006)

I shut out all the people who try to love me. Florence, mother. I just feel this deadness, and I cling onto this deadness for dear life. Being brought back to life is terrifying. I hurt myself rather than let a girl bring me back to life. I cannot believe I dedicate myself so totally to getting drunk when there was something special like Florence waiting for me. I preferred to concentrate on the drink, and let Florence go. You Never Call Me When You’re Sober. You only want it cos it’s over. It’s over. Well done. I kept myself safe, so Florence could not get in. I feel so down now, 3:22 in the morning. Ten Miles Infernal. Shakira Hips Don’t Lie. Florence was always such a happy thing. She always looks so unhappy when I am there now, so uncomfortable. No happiness in this life. I bring unhappiness to all people who try to love me. Because I am cold, and I stay cold. I am ice. I am high in the cold icy air of the mountains, weeping, writing with blue shaking hands in cold stoveless rooms.

Munich Editors. I have to go before 2pm because of the Scissor Sisters concert in Trafalgar Square. Wouldn’t you like to go to the concert? No. All I care about is writing, drinking, and watching girls take their clothes off while dancing to loud music. I remember how unhappy I made B Rosa, too. Patricia, too. Susi, too. I am so cold. I shut people out and get shut out by them. Maybe I can come back home Tuesday afternoon and spend all week here again. Florence must have been thinking about my snub for the whole two weeks, because as soon as I came in she was looking to make eye contact with me and when she did, she straightaway put her finger to her lips. If we cannot make each other happy, then we can at least make each other unhappy. That is our relationship.

Addicted to opium and alcohol. I insist on the primacy of my own experience. My own vision. I can only be alone. I can only be in cold icy mountains.

Don’t be unhappy, be happy! Think what immense power you have got! You have made the great separation & now live for pure priapism. You have got money. Winter is coming. I can go to the Bell, the Cotton Club, Cotton Club Cinema, Demi and Pamela. In January I can go to Berlin. This is going to be a season of the flesh. It is funny when I got the flat I thought now I can go to the Bell & this time talk to the girls & ask them to come home with me, and that is exactly what happened, and I could have had a relationship with Florence–but threw it away. The one thing I said I wanted.
I have got a nice little job I enjoy. I have got money coming in. I have got my own little nest. I have got a week off in December and another week off in January to go to Berlin, for La Traviata and Carmina Burana.

“Where do you live actually?” said Pamela to me. The discipline of saving money is actually a really exciting one. It has made the Bell more exciting for me. It will no doubt make the Cotton Club more exciting for me eventually. I love the things I have got away with in the past, the things I get away with now, the things I will get away with in the future.

I have got my book-lined London home, filled with ferns, and classical music. I live like a church mouse in a little hotel earning the money to write my books, while enjoying the girls taking their knickers off to loud music, and travelling a couple of times a year to Berlin. I am still sad about Florence. Do what you want with your genitals, otherwise you will regret it when you’re dead.

How when I watch Eminem’s Ass Like That or Shake That Ass videos, or Jon Bon Jovi’s Queen of New Orleans, or Korn’s Word Up, it makes me so much want to to get back to the strip club. To the Bell or Cotton Club (nowhere else in London!), Atlantic City. It rarely is as hot and exciting as it looks in the videos, although Saturdays are best–anywhere. Empire, Atlantic City, Bell or Cotton, Saturday nights are the wildest and best. If I spend all my money on that, and my life revolves around that, then going to a pornographic cinema after that and Esmeralda to finish, why not? If that is what you like doing, and that is what gives you the most pleasure then that is absolutely what you should continue doing, with joy! I was walking along ——– platform, remembering the excitement I feel when I am starting one of my travels & heading off to Eurostar. How exciting that is. But at the same time what dulls the excitement completely is if I travel knowing that I already owe £6,000 and I really cannot afford to be doing it, then that completely diminishes the excitement. That is why this hibernation is necessary before I can even consider going to Berlin in the New Year.

For all that talk of big breasts I never really made the most of my opportunities (25th August 2006)

For all that talk of big breasts I never really made the most of my opportunities: Clarisse I never even had a 5 euro dance in my seat & refused to talk to her, Martina, I went with Diana instead, Andrea I just had the £20 option instead of half an hour. I can worry about the sadness and despair of my last trips to Berlin, Munich, Brussels, but I always feel this sadness and despair so it is normal & I should enjoy it! There is a kernel inside my brain that only wants to be stimulated by pornographic films and prostitutes, and will never be able to feel anything in real relationships, so I should just understand that and enjoy it. Isn’t it great that I now feel so happy in myself and so self-confident, I am writing, I have my own place, I am enjoying the pornographic films and the prostitutes the same as ever, and no one can touch me. How beaten down I used to be. Not anymore. I am taunting them with what I enjoy that they cannot. I am flaunting it in their angry faces, more and more. I am provoking them more and more. I am Beethoven. I am genius.
Alcazar Crying at the Discotheque. My God I cannot wait to get back to Vienna again! Back to the Ring! I cannot wait to see Jolanda again. And Melani. Then on to Demi or Pamela. Oh travel is so much the greatest thing.
I try so hard to recreate the sensations I feel when I am on holiday. That feeling drinking beer from my minibar in my Munich hotel room before going to Atlantic City. Or drinking in my Vienna hotel room before going to ML Revue. Or in Berlin before going to BEC and Stuttgarter Platz.

Well, this morning I was able to pay £300 off my Barclaycard. The long road back starts here. I felt so uncomfortable when I came out my flat 930am yesterday morning. I had two pints in the Calcutta before getting the 23:19 home. ENJOY ALL MY TAPES AND MY VIDEOS! WHAT A COLLECTION I HAVE AMASSED!
I lead a strange existence. I read and write for a couple of hours, then sleep for a couple of hours. Listen to some classical music for an hour, then read & write some more, then sleep some more.

What a great life this is. Sleep for a few hours, get up to read and write for a few hours, listen to classical music for a while, sleep some more, for three or four days a week. Even my bad trips still produced interesting experiences. I need complete isolation. Complete peace. Complete solitude. I can only exist in solipsism, and its military wing, Priapism. I enjoyed living in the broken world of strippers and whores. But I fell in love with one of the strippers and started embarrassing myself. I want to write a magazine like Simpliccimus and Die Fackel. Or make my satiric interventions on, for example, BITE, or Openlegs4u. I would restart The Serpent’s Egg either on wildeboy.com or Yahoo360 but I would have to reveal too much about myself. My life revolves around strippers and whores and yet I cannot talk about that. 95% of my life would have to remain hidden under the surface leaving only the tip of the iceberg which is not worth talking about.